Heavy

Wow… heavy week huh? Between posting about my grandma, my abuse, and that angsty letter to myself, its been a bit dark around here this week.

But hey! It’s Friday! I could get into how I hate the weekends because I have to see my ex but I wont. Because its Friday. Friday means pay day for me. And getting cash money is ALWAYS a good thing!

OMG did my boss just really say “What the dickens?” LMAO

I went to Subway for lunch today and I saw the weirdest fucking thing. I live in California so there are freaks everywhere, but this was really weird. This is what was staring me in the face when I went to order my turkey sandwich:

It’s called a nape piercing. As in, the nape of your neck. WHY? Why????? I would feel obligated to always have my hair up and OMG what if I was brushing my hair and my comb hit it? Or what if… what if your hair got tangled in it? I have curlies at the nape of my neck that would totally wrap themselves around something like that.

The thing is, I could tell what kind of girls these bitches were. Total 100% Daddy’s girls. First off, they were dressed for the gym. They were pretty tore up, so I am assuming they had just come from it. I mean, what better to maintain their size 0 figures then going to Subway and getting sandwiches FULL of crap and CHEESE, and BREAD. Like totally watching my calories! They had really cute expensive purses and one of them drove a brand new Nissan Altima. That thing had nice ass shiny expensive rims on it too. I mean, for fucks sake, it was 12:00 in the afternoon and I knew that these two bobsey twins were not on a lunch break. Probably went home and sat on the couch to watch TIVO’ed episodes of The Hills or something. Get some jobs bitches! Fuck.

I hate working. I so want to be a Daddy’s girl. Or something like that.

Like Rima, I’m going to host my own little informal poll. So answer me this – How many of you blog on the weekends? If you come here often, you know I’m not a big weekend poster. But I want to start something and as of right now, its just an idea in my head. It may involve me just giving something out on a certain weekend day, or possibly having other people give these things out too on that certain day. I don’t know yet.  Have I confused you yet? If not, go back and read that again. And answer my question! Love you!

Stop the Abuse

Abuse can be described in so many ways. None of them are pretty. Today I’m choosing to write about my personal experience with abuse. Why? Because maybe someone out there reading this is going through the same thing I did. Maybe they are in denial and think that what is happening to them isn’t abuse. Maybe they can see that they CAN get past this, that they CAN survive this. I did. This isn’t going to be pretty or pleasant to read. Abuse isn’t. But it is the facts as I remember them and it did happen to me.

From the age of around 15, I was verbally and physically abused by my boyfriend. I would eventually become his wife. The abuse that I received progressed slowly. I fell in love (well what I believed loved to be at that time) and once he knew that I was in love, he completely changed. He began with the verbal abuse, making comments here and there that I was fat, ugly, stupid, a moron, a slut, and my personal favorite: worthless. The physical abuse started a little later, when he learned that he could verbally abuse me and I wouldn’t fight back. He started with pinching the inside of my legs if we were sitting next to each other and I was saying something he didn’t like. Usually it was something that he thought I would make him look stupid over. It was always things like that. Anything that I said would usually set him off so eventually I just stopped giving out my opinion on things.

Once while I was still in high school and he was home on leave from the Navy, we kinda broke up over the phone. I had boxed up all his stuff and when he told me he was going to come get it the next morning, I left it sitting on my front porch. My parents had left for work and I was getting ready to take the bus when he showed up. He started banging on my front door and I really thought he was going to break it down so I opened it. He barged into the house and chased me upstairs. He didn’t like what I was wearing so he ripped my shirt down the middle. I remember him pressing me up against the wall with his hands wrapped around my neck. I was screaming so loud that the bus driver heard me from down the street. I managed to get to the phone and call the police but I hung up before I gave them my address. Once I hung that phone up, he let me go and sat on my bed defeated. He told me that I had ruined his Navy career and basically, ruined his life. The police came and handcuffed him and took him to the back of their cruiser. He stared at me from the back of the cop car and shook his head at me. I told them it was a mistake and they chastised me for making the call. They allowed him to drive me to school.

The only time that I was safe from this was when I was pregnant. Once my son was born, it started up again except now, I was a bad mom. I couldn’t do anything right when it came to our son. I don’t remember a lot of that time. Sleep deprivation will do that to a person. I know it didn’t get better. He had started to hit me, but he never left bruises. I would compliment on that talent during my braver moments.

Things just progressed from bad to worse. I guess as I got older, I stopped caring as much. I fought back sometimes but of course, never won. I pretended that I had been knocked out when he threw me to the ground and picked my head up and slammed it on the floor of our laundry room. He proceeded to slap me in the face a few times and eventually just dragged me outside and put my head in the dog bowl of water while he turned the hose on me to wake me up. I don’t even remember what we were arguing about. The last time that I threatened to leave and actually started to pack, he got angry and decided not to let me. He ended up stripping all my clothes off and laying on top of me for two hours until I “changed my mind”. He stripped me so that I couldn’t run away.

When it was bad, it was bad. I would literally just turn my brain off and wander away. I would think about something else, in the last year, my thoughts would go to Rura the most. I would think about something fun I did with my son. I would think about being in Rura’s arms or laughing with him about something silly. The power of his love and my love for my son is what saved my life. In my darkest of moments, I tried to figure out which would be easier: killing him, or killing myself. I planned his funeral in my head and told myself that I would never cry. There were times when he would go out at night drinking with his friends and I would pray that he wouldn’t come home and I honestly didn’t care what happened to him.

Abuse is powerful. Its hate in its purest of forms. And the worst thing is that it comes in so many different forms: animal, child, elderly, self, I could go on and on. This is why I blogged today. I didn’t do it for attention. I didn’t do it for anything other than awareness. Its not fun to remember these things. It still feels humiliating. Its embarrassing. It’s something I would never in a million years wish on anyone. But it did happen to me. And I hope that talking about it will help someone.

So that’s my story in a nutshell. If you think that you might be in this similar situation in any way shape or form, please visit the the website for The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Because guess what? YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If you posted today about abuse, please leave me your link. I’ve read some heartbreaking and inspiring stories today.

An open letter to me

Dear High School Freshman Me,

Guess what? Life as you know it is about to change. Every choice you make from here on out in 1996 will inevitably change the world as you know it today in 2007. Pretty crazy huh? I can say this because anything before high school will not impact your life today. So I hope you had fun doing insignificant things because this is the time that it gets ugly. Oh yea it does. You thought that fight with your best friend in 8th grade that lasted 3 months was bad? Pshhh that’s nothing compared to the next 10 years sister.

So guess what? You meet a guy. He’s not a nice guy. He makes jokes at other people’s expense and the sick thing is, that is what attracts you to him. His sense of humor. You just don’t realize what a bastard he is until much much later. In fact, you marry this asshole. But only because you let him knock you up, so that’s ok.

I should tell you now to get away from this guy. I should tell you now that as time goes on, he will slowly start testing your boundaries. He’ll pinch your legs under the table and squeeze your hands to get you to shut up. He’ll start asking for money even though he has a job. He’ll eventually start hitting you, but never hard enough to leave a bruise. He’ll master this subtle head shake when he wants you to speak for him in response to someone else. You’ll end up scared to death of him. You actually think death is a better option than him. But just wait it out. Make those same choices. Because guess what?

He will give you one thing. One thing that is the most important thing he has ever given you in your entire relationship. He’ll give you a beautiful son. And lord, is that child beautiful. You will cry just looking at him because he takes your breath away. Because you will choose to stay with him, you will meet some of your best friends. In fact, you’ll meet a lot of really cool people along the way. Because you choose to stay with him, it is then, at your lowest point, when you have become numb and shut yourself completely off, that you will meet the love of your life. This is where it gets better.

So you see, all the bullshit turns into something great. I promise. Right now, its great. 10 years from now? Well I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when we get to it.

A few things that I do want to tell you that will make you feel better now? Don’t let the asshole take you from your family. He’s selfish like that and you will hate yourself for it now. Oh and spend a LOT more time with your grandma before she passes. You WILL regret that lost time more than you know. In general, stay close to your family. You don’t understand how badly you will need them later. But lucky for you, they will always love you and are always there for you. Just don’t ignore them so you wont have to realize that now.

Other than that, keep doin what you’re doing. You have great hair throughout high school and your body is smokin. Show it off and don’t wait until your senior year to realize that. Once that baby comes, it will never be the same. One more thing! Do a better job moving out of your parents because you suck at it the first time and now I cant find anything important from that time in our life! Dumb ass. *muah!*

Love,
2007, in love, healthy, and happy You

Thank you Amy for this great challenge! You rock! You know I got some linky love so check out these other fine bloggers writing letters to their younger selves!

Tomorrow I am participating in this. PLEASE, if you only click on one link in this post, pick that one. Bloggers Against Abuse. The beauty and power of this is that you can choose to blog against any form of abuse. I’ll be blogging, will you?

Peanut

As a kid, I was very close to my dad’s parents.  I stayed with them a lot while my parents took classes at night to get their degrees. I was there every weekend for Saturday “taco nights”. I was there practically all summer while my mom taught summer school. I loved being there because well, I was spoiled rotten. I am 1 of 7 grand-kids. My dad’s brother had the first born and I came second. All 3 of my dad’s brothers have two kids and my dad was the only one who ended up with 1 (Moi). Now that we are all grown up and both my grandparents have passed, its easily said amongst the family that I was “the favorite”. It’s true. I was. I was the only one that got a nick name. See that title up there? Doesn’t that prove it? I’m not going to lie, I was a spoiled brat growing up but I was totally cute so it makes it ok. Either way, loosing those two people there nearly killed me too. My grandpa passed when I was 9 and my grandma when I was 21. I don’t remember a lot about my grandpa but he visits once in awhile so I know he is ok and he knows that I am doing just fine too.

This weekend, while my mom’s sister was visiting from Alabama, we got to talking about our trip to Washington, where I met my Aunt Louise for the first time. It was the first time that my dad met his older sister. I wrote about the events leading up to this, but I never wrote about the trip. At the time, I was too emotional. Over a year later, I still get a lump in my throat when I think about that trip.

My Aunt L was literally cut from the mold of a mother she never knew. She is the spitting image of my grandmother. When she talks, she moves her hands in the way grandma did. When she speaks, she sounds just like her. She decorates her home the way my grandma did. They have the same laugh. When we were getting ready to take some group pictures, she got some lipstick out of her purse. I happened to be standing there talking to her when she did this. Her lipstick was the same exact shade of coral pink that my grandma used to wear. She even puckered her lips after she put it on. Before we came back to California, Aunt L pulled me to the side and handed me a ring. It has a large turquoise stone on it. She told me that it was one of her favorite pieces of jewelry and that she wanted me to have it so that I would not forget her. My grandma LOVED turquoise jewelry and when she passed, it got boxed up and I haven’t seen it since. She would have had no idea of that. She would have had no idea of any of the things that made her so much like my grandma, the mother she never knew. There were so many things like this over the course of 3 days. One example is when looking through old albums, there was a picture of Aunt L looking over her shoulder, with her back to the camera. We have the same exact picture of my grandma doing the same exact pose. They look like sisters. Another example: the day my Aunt L was adopted by the family that raised her was EXACTLY one day before my dad was born. All these coincidents still give me goosebumps.

When we were talking about all of this with my mom’s mom and sister (I’m not using grandma and aunt in the hopes that I don’t confuse anyone, even myself) they realized something themselves. Growing up, my dad’s mom and mom’s mom shared a property. Dad’s mom had the house in the back, and mom’s mom the house in the front. I had it great, I could see both grandma’s in one day. But someone didn’t like to share. My mom’s mom mentioned that whenever my grandma would go to the store or step out while she was watching me, my mom’s mom would offer to watch me. My grandma always refused. They both agreed that my grandma was VERY possessive of me.  This can only be explained that maybe, just maybe, that was her way of coping with her choices to give up her daughter. That might be why I was so favored. That might be why out of 7 kids, I was the only always sent to “you go ask grandma, she’ll always give you what you want.” It makes perfect sense. And I dont think it means she loved me less. To me, it means she loved me more. I was her “do-over”, her chance to prove to herself that she could have raised her daughter. And you know what? She would have been a great mom to my Aunt L. Because she was a wonderful grandma to me.

Me and Aunt Louise 2006. Please excuse my greasy face and unflattering shirt.
Previous picture was taken around 1989? I was making my first communion.

Thats funny

Ahhh the beauty of Calvin and Hobbes. Why only the snowman series? Because thats my favorite. These are the ones that make me roll on the floor laughing my pretty little ass off. Or ROTFLMPLAO. Fo sho. I mean, how can you not laugh at this?

Or this?

Oh Calvin…. your dark sense of humor warms my heart. (You might have to click those to really enjoy them)

• Aha! I bet you thought this was a fun post. Well think again. The rest is bullet points. Sucker!
• I used C & H to warm you up. Hopefully you wont hate me for tricking you.
• But seriously, how could you be so easily manipulated? How do you sleep at night?
• I went to Ulta this weekend. With no money. I couldn’t breathe when I left because there was so much stuff I Neeeeeeeeded. I really do need more stuff. I really dont. I’m a liar. Dont make me post pictures of all my stuff.
• While I was there, I sinned. Big time. I fell head over heals with a perfume that I really shouldn’t have. It smells fucking great. Go ahead. Please. Slap me in my fucking face. Ugh. I hate her with the heat of a thousand suns but damn, she smells good.
• I also went to Famous Footwear and bought some brown heels that are adorable! They were only $15! I cant find them anywhere online but I guess thats because they were in the clearance. I never ever find cute shoes my size in the clearance section.
• It rained on SBJ’s soccer game on Saturday. They ended at the half. SBJ was soaked to the bone when he left with the ex’s sister. I was pretty happy they ended early because I really wanted to go and get back in bed with Rura. I actually ended up waking him up and we went to my moms.
• He met my Aunt (mom’s sister) for the first time.
• She lives in Alabama and was here for a funeral. She hates the ex (always has). She divorced her husband for a MUUUCCCHHH younger guy (think the same age as her oldest daughter. Hee.) so I know she cant judge me. Pfft! She was a real witch growing up but she’s improved. Plus it helps only seeing her every 2 years or so.
• I’ll release you now from the clutches of my bullet post. But only because its 5 minutes until I leave from work. FREEDOM!!!!!!
• One more!!!!!!!! Rura has a ride along tonight! Bust out the straight jacket! Fun times!

Imagine opening the door to these?

Growing up, I used to love to dress up for Halloween. I don’t remember it being cold and I think I would have seeing as my dad always had me dress up as a Denver Bronco’s Cheerleader. (and he wonders why I am a Raider fan now) As I got older, I was a french maid for a couple of  years and the last real costume I remember wearing was that of a renaissance girl. Corset, big skirts, flower crown and all. My boobs looked huge that year. I believe I was a senior the last time I really dressed up for Halloween. The Halloween following, I was pregnant and for the first time, wore some kitty cat ears and called it a costume. Those ears and a pair of devil horns have been my costumes every year since. No, I take that back. I had bunny ears one year too. I had that whole “playboy bunny” thing in my head but sweat pants paired with those ears really didn’t cut it. Plus walking around with a miniature spongebob or biker or whatever costume SBJ chose that year really didn’t sell that image.

But guess what kind of options are available for our youth these days?? Ladies, lock up your girls!

My favorite thing about this are the boots. Who doesn’t need 8 inch platforms when trick or  treating?

Great thing is, you can wear these shoes year round! Auntie Em would be so proud!

Hat, stethoscope, candy-striped dress, apron and petticoat included! Sorry girls, you’ll have to ask mommy if you can borrow her stripper shoes!

Mommy I want to be Paris Hilton for Halloween!!

*rolling on the floor laughing my ass off* If you want to go for the complete dumb-ass outfit, here’s the perfect choice!

Don’t these give you something to look forward to? I seriously found ALL of these in the “teen” section of a costume website. I cant wait to send my future daughter out on the streets in one of these costumes. Instead of candy, she’ll bring home wrinkled $20’s and stains not even a dry cleaner would touch.

During my browsing, I did manage to find the costumes Rura and I will be sporting to my family’s Halloween dinner party this year.

Handcuffs are not included. Good thing we have our own.

I actually wouldn’t mind sporting this:

Do you think $49.99 is too much for something that will be laying in a heap on the floor after about 20 minutes? Oh and seriously, boots stay ON or OFF?

In case anyone was wondering, I am not the only one getting blog stalked and noticing. Mystery solved? They may not want to sensor us, but they sure are watching what we are up to!! I can only hope that monitoring my blog teaches Big Brother a thing or two about the fine state the blogging community really is.

Ok um… I’m a little freaked.

Someone has been visiting my site from here:

http://mymt2k.com/tmp9/cat.php?url-1=http%3A%2F%2Fxanga.com%2Fchristao408&url-2=http%3A%2F%2Fxanga.com%2Frocking_music_codes&url-3=http%3A%2F%2Fruraandmiss.wordpress.com%2F&assignmentId=1YZZ6WZCBJQZ5XY90ZRZSTMCY1HR1WT20ZYSFHJZ&hitId=1YZZ6WZCBJQZ5XY90ZRZ

Yes, I apologize for the very looonngggg link, but its in the hopes that WHOEVER THE FUCK HAS MY SITE ON THIS WEIRD ASS CATEGORY SETTING, DEMOGRAPHIC SETTING WEBSITE WILL TAKE IT THE FUCK DOWN.

*heavy breathing*

Sorry kids. I try to remain pretty anon on this site (with the exception of meeting strangers. Hi Jessie and David!) because of my ex. He’s psycho. Nothing Rura wouldn’t love to disfigure, but psycho never the less. He would freak the fuck out if he knew about this site and really, I don’t want to deal with that. Not right now anyways. Not until custody is worked out ok? Oh and preferably, not until I can change my last name to match Rura’s. Then I won’t give two shits about it.

Besides, doesn’t that stalker freak site need my permission or something to do that? Ehh… probably not. Fuck. There is nothing even there for me to ask them to take it down. Fuckity Fuck. They have some category listings on there to mark my site “offensive” or “sexually explicit”. I can only hope to be categorized as such. Oh and I want to be a mommyblogger. And a rock star. I’m on my way to “offensive” with the excessive amount of FUCKS in this particular post, don’t you think? Lets try to hit on the “sexually explicit” description shall we? The following is a joke that my dear cousin txt to me while I was at work. I tried not to shoot soda out my nose after this one. (oh and if nasty sex jokes offend you, go here. That came up when I googled “rainbows and butterflies” he.)

A man asks his wife “Can I cum in ur ear?” She says “No I might go deaf!” He says, “whatever! I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up!”

Ha. Take that judgemental website. Shit, imagine the fucked up search hits I’ll get off that! Ehhh….

Oh and BTW, you sick fuck who is STILL searching “mom fucks sun”: Get off the fucking Internet and go get sterilized.

If you still ♥ me, I’m still open to interviewing you! So leave a comment!

I miss Carrie!

I got interviewed today by Michelle over at  Type (little) a. Check it out:

1. What did you want to be when you grew up? How close/far is it from what you’re doing now?
Pretty far. Growing up, I wanted to be a teacher like my mommy. I never got on the right track because I ended up barefoot and pregnant. Now I am working in the aerospace industy in the Quality department. My dad is a Quality manager at his job so I guess I am following in his footsteps more than hers.

2. What kind of eater are you? Are you picky? Or are you all, pan-fried songbird in a chocolate-asprin sauce, yum just like mom used to make!
I can be picky. But in my old age, I have become more open to trying new things, at least once.

3. I f you had a substantial amount of money to give away, where would you give and why?
Most people would say a charity or something, but I would help out friends and family who need it. Doing that would give me more personal satisfaction because I can see the direct result. So kiss my ass now people and when I strike it rich, I’ll hook you up!

4. Do you have any sore spots that you don’t laugh at/make fun of?
I pretty much laugh at everyone and everything. Seriously? This one is hard because I’m sure there is something. I know! Cancer. So not funny that cancer stuff.

5. Do you drive like an asshole? If yes, please NEVER come to NJ. My blood pressure if high enough. KTHKSBYE
I drive DEFENSIVELY! Rura would say yes I do. The thing is, if you are on the road with me, just move out of my way and I wont drive like an asshole around you. I promise!

That was fun! Want me to interview you? Leave your request in the comments along with your bribe and I’ll email you some questions. Be prepared to bare your soul and/or answer something crazy ok? I wont be too hard on you but I will have fun with you! Oh and duh, leave a working email for fucks sake. Moving on….

So some really cool people gave me two really cool awards/buttons. I got this one from Dana:

She is awesome!

I bet she will let me pass this one on so I’m gonna give it to Jessie, Layla (zdoodlebug), and Amy for their very kind words and advice in my last post. You all have no idea how important your words are to me. I know I have shit to work through and I am actively doing that because I am very much in love. And I’m happy to report that all is good on the home-front. He brought me lunch today and we sat in my car and reminisced over music that we used to listen to when we first started seeing each other. Smiles and kisses all around. So thank you again.

And then I got this one from Amy:

She also rocks. I got this for winning my first bikini contest! And I didn’t even know I was entered so imagine how sweet THAT suprise was! Thanks Amy. I love you and your RT.

OMG I am seriously almost to my breaking point! There is a insanely annoying person at my work who will not SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously. She explains her every action to anyone who is listening and everyone who isn’t! I don’t give two shits if you are going to your car to take your break. Thank you for announcing that the office is going to be peaceful for 15 minutes!!! I swear she has mentioned her ex husband like 8 times in the last 30 minutes. If you love to talk about him so much, why did you get a divorce? Oh I know!! He got tired of hearing you talk!!!!! Gah!!!

Oh yea, about that title up there. There are only 3 shows I really go nuts over: CSI (Las Vegas ONLY.), Friends, and Sex and the City. So in reality, there is only 1 show that I go crazy over that is still on the air. Well guess what?!! They finally started filming the Sex and the City movie!! And there are pictures! And more pictures! Oh how I missed Carrie and Mr. Big. Seriously. I have the whole series on DVD so I can watch it whenever I want. That was my gift to myself when the ex went to Iraq. It’s how I coped or something. Anyways, the movie is set to come out some time next year and you better bet your sweet ass I will be going to see it. Alone. Everyone I know hates this show. Maybe my friend C will see it with me. If not, I don’t have a problem going by myself.

Speaking of my favorite shows, the season premier of CSI is TOMORROW. When I first saw the commercial, I got so excited. I told Rura to call of work to watch it. He won’t so that sucks for him that he’ll miss it.

Sorry this post is all over the place today. That just kinda describes where I am today. All over the place. Here, there, everywhere kind of thing.

Pee Ess – I totally wrote this post backwards. I started from the bottom and worked my way up. Aren’t you jealous of my superior blog writing skillz?

Fantasy vs. Reality

I would love to make everyone think that me and Rura are a perfect couple. I wish I could tell you that it’s all sushine and fucking rainbows over here. I wish we could be that sick and sweet. But we aren’t. Are you shocked? Ehh… probably not. Everyone has problems right?

For us, we have blow outs. We dont fight every day. We dont critize each other and actually mean it. We bicker over stupid stuff and are constantly reminding each other to chill or forget about something stupid. But we have blow outs. Thinking  back, we seem to have one about once every month. To prove this, I can actually name the dates of our last few. June 13th. July 27th. August 24th. And now, September 17th.

Just thinking back on those dates, I feel sick to my stomach. First it was the ex, then me smothering him, then me taking up his time and making him choose what he wants to do over being with me. And now, I guess, me taking advantage of his love.

The thing is, I dont feel like I do that. In my heart, I am so grateful for him in my life. He has changed me in ways I can’t even describe. He makes me a better person. Except sometimes, I loose it. I completely loose my cool and get so angry and when I get angry, I do stupid things and say stupid things and well, just act stupid.

I want to live that fantasy. I want it so bad. I don’t want to be suspicious of him because he will not even let me touch his phone. I want us to get home and for him to set his phone next to mine and not think about it for the rest of the time we are together. Thats what I do. Why cant he? That gets me thinking that he is hiding something from me. I speak from experience because when I was with the ex, my phone was literally attached to me. I used to sleep with it in my hand and my hand under my pillow. Because I did have something to hide.

I know deep down inside that he is faithful to me. I know that. I just get so scared of loosing something that is so important to me that I act out in irrational ways. And in reality, isn’t that the quickest way to loose something?

I went to bed last night not knowing what today would bring. We hung up with him telling me that he was frustrated and did not want to talk to me anymore, that he just wanted to go to bed. I told him that if he was there with me, none of this would be happening. He said that its easier to tell me this over the phone. That frustrates ME because what can I do other than hang up? When I talked to him this morning, he didn’t mention anything other than to ask me if there was something wrong with me. I fear what I should tell him. Should I be honest and say that I woke up with a migrane and a sore jaw from clenching it in my sleep? No… some things are better left unsaid. He did ask me if I was going to yell at him. Because thats what I do. Thats what he thinks I do.

I don’t want to be that person. I did not think that I was. I dont know what to do or even how to act. I know that once I see him, it will be like none of this ever happened. I have the choice of bringing it up but at that point, I will be so grateful for him just being him again, that I wont. Next month, something else will cause the blow out. And I will again be in this place that I fear. I’m scared to breathe, to speak, not knowing if my actions will set off another reaction.

Why do I feel so responsible? HE should take some of that burden too! But I wont ask him to. I’ll carry it with me and  try to get us back to our fantasy. Because honestly, its good there. Its fucking fantastic there. Here in reality, its just gray. I hate being there. I lived there and I never want to go back.

Time to shape up

I really want to get back into shape. It’s hard for me because, as you already heard, I’m lazy. I am not one of those girls who thinks that she is fat. I’m not. I just know that I have some “excess area” to loose. I hide it well, believe me.

But I can see it. I see it when I sit. I see it before my showers. I see it IN the shower. I see it in bed when I should be feeling my most sexy. I see it when I wear jeans (which happens to be almost every day). I can see it. And I want it to go away.

Of course I have that kind of boyfriend who loves it. He loves my body and anything extra that I have on it. He even calls it “a little something extra”. He’s a doll and I love him for loving me, even the parts of me that I hate. But him? He does not have that problem. Not one bit. I swear he has not one ounce of fat on his body. It makes me insanely jealous and turns me on at the same time!! How frustrating!!!

So I’ve been thinking about what I can do to get rid of that extra skin and fat. I’m tired of using the excuse that its from having my son because uh…. he’s 6. He’s 6 and that excuse stopped working oh, I would say, about 5 years ago.  So about that thinking thing…

I’ve decided that I want to start walking/running when I am waiting for SBJ to finish soccer practice. There is a perfectly good track right there and instead of sitting and reading while I wait, I can walk a mile or two. I also want Rura to help me in some way on one of the days he has off. I was thinking Monday’s because he doesn’t have work but he sometimes has ride alongs (like tonight). Sooo… I dont know. I bet he is laughing his ass off reading this because he KNOWS I will never get off my ass to do any of this. I do need his motivation because he is in shape. He works out all the time because the police department has a gym for them to work out in. I know if I ask him, he will help me.

The worst thing about this, the one thing I dont want to do? Eat right. I love food. I love bread. I love carbs. I really like soda. I dont want to cut that out. I know that I could eat better. But I really dont want to. So there lies my biggest problem. That, and the motivation to actually do any of this.

Any tips will be appreciated, seriously. If I do actually do any of this, I will definetly post about it.