11 05 2007

I hate transitions.
I hate being in love.
It hurts.
I am really beginning to think that I am bad at it.
Or at least after so long, just dont quite know how to do it right.
Instead of grinding my teeth last night, I got a bloody nose.
I dont know what that means.
Work is total crap.
I’m afraid of loosing my job.
I really hope I don’t.
I miss Rura.
I can’t tell him that because he calls it over reacting.
I saw him Wednesday for an hour and a half.
He thinks this is why I miss him.
I miss that new love.
Fresh, new love is exciting.
This isn’t.
This just hurts.
But it’s my problem.
I don’t know the words to make him understand that.
I really want to spend my life with him.
I know he wants to spend his with me.
I just want to be needed again.
And not in a financial way.
In a “I cant go a few hours without hearing your voice” kind of way.
In this way.
But more and more I feel like this is coming true for him.
In my head, most days I feel like I am not enough.
I hate expectations.
I’m a hypocrite for saying that because I expect too much out of Rura.
Then I make him feel bad about it.
Reality is, I’m just expecting too much when he gives me more than enough.
Reality is, I’m slowing screwing him up because its hard to be the most screwed up one in the relationship.
I just hope he understands that I need his HELP and not his negativity.
I need his help.
But it’s too much to ask for because he has enough shit in his life right now.
My problems dont need to be his too.
Tomorrow we have been together for 1 year and 6 months.
I hope I don’t fuck tomorrow up too.
I’m done for the night.

Just what I suspected!

10 05 2007

The $30 mouthgaurd didn’t work. Why am I not suprised? All I want is something to keep me from grinding. This thing I bought was like something out of Monday night football. I couldn’t even shut my mouth all the way with that damn thing in. (Thats what she said! Oh!….. Sorry) So yea, it’s a no go. Do you think that CVS will let me return it? I mean, sure thats nasty but we are talking about $30 here!! I’ll call them tomorrow and run it by them, just to see what they say. I still have the receipt. It never hurts to ask.

But yea, FYI folks, dont waste your money like I did.

Tired… so tired… Look at this. Flickr ♥ I want to take Rura there some day, even if we dont gamble. Cheap drinks and a beautifuly distasterous city. What could be better??

Hit that wall?

9 05 2007

I have a shit load of things I could post about. I really do. But I dont feel like posting anything right now. I couldn’t sleep, read some blogs, took one picture of myself reading blogs, and now I am writing in my blog. How freaking bor-ing!

I know that not many people even read this site, but I read a lot of blogs. I have so many that I consider favorites. When I use my reader, I read those last, like a present. Got Dork? Right here baby!

I want to start tomorrow off on a good note. Today, not so good. My own fault but still not so good.

*deep breaths* Here is to a better tomorrow *deep breaths*

Dont say…

8 05 2007

I told you so! I knew I wouldn’t bee able to do this every day this month. How many days did I skip already? Eh, not important. What’s important is this – I ate at The Cheesecake Factory tonight. Never been there. I came home with the best tasting cheesecake they have. This is only a matter of my opinion and here, thats all that matters. It tasted like heaven. I’m using my mom’s Mac book so I have no fucking clue how to post a picture with wordpress. (BTW, it was the dulce de leche cheesecake)(Dont you feel heavier just reading that?)

Its strange to me how some websites are set up differently for Apple followers. The two I use the most are wordpress and Google. Google has this feature called IGoogle and I’m assuming its for mac users because I could not log in through the normal page but with IGoogle I could. I dont care enough to prove or disprove that statement. All I know is that I can now see my Google reader and that makes me one happy girl.

Rura got a job today. Since he was trying to focus on school, he hasn’t worked. He applied at a resturaunt in town last week and they hired him today. I’m not getting into the whole “he works when I am off work” issue because it just pisses me off. I’m so glad he is working because he actually enjoys it (ammature. THAT will be gone quickly) and any extra money is always a good thing. But I just hate that when he rattled off his schedule to me today, it was all the days that we can spend together. But I guess thats life, thats what all the people say. You work your ass off, then you die. I really hope that isn’t so true. I want to travel, see the world, enjoy my life with Rura and with any family that we may bring into this world. I don’t think that is asking a lot is it? These days, it just might be.

But I am very proud of him for getting a job again. What I am not proud of is when he gets all pissy and blames my bad attitude on him getting a job. SO NOT why I am bitchy. Doesnt he know by now that that is just me?

I’m tired, I’m hot, and I am thinking that my long ass hair is NOT going to make it through the summer, if we continue to get highs like today. This heat was totally bananas yo! I’m out for the night. I have to go set my new mouthguard. I acutally have to boil it for 30 seconds to soften it enough to be able to form to my mouth. WEIRDNESS. I noticed that I am either clenching or grinding my jaw and teeth at night just recently. I wake up with a sore mouth every morning. Stress, I know doc. Last night I slept like crap but on top of bad sleeping, my teeth and my little “issue” woke me up twice. I swore both times that I had broken a tooth. I didn’t but it still scared me. So… $30 bucks later and hopefully, my problem wont be so severe. I’ll be sure to write about it in a few nights.

Flickr Love: When I searched Flickr for “teeth” this guy came up. So did this. That dog got owned. Fucking Sweet.

Worst day of the week

4 05 2007

Tomorrow is the worst day of my week. I have to see the ex. I dread these days more than any other during the entire week. Its been almost 6 months since I left him and yet he has not let go. It was much harder before, trust me. The cops only had to come once (that I haven’t blocked out) and that was bad but I got past it.

We end up in these stupid arguements, agruing over who gets what. I want to tell him to take it all and shove it up his ass, but I really like some of the stuff I have accumulated over a period of 10 years and I would like to take some of it with me. He wont give up anything without a fight.

Most days he has the nerve to ask me why I left. He is so arrogant that he thinks he didnt do anything wrong. He admits to knowing that I was not happy. He admits this. He also admits that he never really cared then but that he cares now. He sees the “error of his ways”. *snort* Give me a fucking break. Does it look like I was born yesterday? Fuck. That shit pisses me off. Everytime it pisses me off, I know even more that I made the right choice.

It hasnt been easy. Its been the hardest fucking thing I had to do in my life. But it feels so right. I have good days and bad days. I haven’t given a second of thought to going back to him and I’m actually proud of myself for that. I’ve had to leave two of the places I was staying and that has been so hard. Right as I start to feel comfortable, I have to pack my stuff up and go. But right now, I am back with my parents and its been going ok. I can be quiet here and I appreciate that. It’s quiet here and I really appreciate that. Six months and I dont have much of a plan. First thing on my list is a divorce. I know I always have somewhere to stay, at least for the time being. The big D is what needs to happen ASAP.

Right now we are watching “Ferris Bueler’s Day Off” which is probably one of the greatest movies of all time. Rura is giving me the stink eye but I cant figure out why. LOL. I also caught him checking me out earlier so he is forgiven. He is also really really cute so I can forgive him for a lot because of that.

For today: Flickr pic of the Day: Crash Flickr ♥

The evidence never lies…

3 05 2007

We just finished watching the first season of CSI. Don’t get confused. I only watch the ORIGINAL CSI. None of that New York or Miami crap. You could say it’s an obsession. I’m comfortable with that. I love this show. The writing is great, the stories are interesting, and there isn’t all that weird drama and side stories. The show does have slight side stories with the main characters and I appreciate them. What I appreciate the most is that the writers don’t go into long winded details about them. They plant subtle hints and information within the story that doesn’t give too much away, and also keeps the watcher interested in what they may find out next.

My favorite character is Gil Grissom, played by William Peterson. He always gives out the best openers to start the show and they aren’t cheesy like on CSI: Miami. He is an interesting character for sure. He is intense, informative, and always interesting.


That’s gotta be it for tonight. I made my daily deadline just in time because I am TIRED!! I have Rura with me tonight so you know what that means 😉 Hope anyone reading had fun tonight too!


No Flickr tonight. Like I said, this one had to be quick! Oh and I’ll fix the font later. Stupid word kept Times New Roman. I hate that font…

This is 2007 right?

2 05 2007

OK can someone explain to me how, in 2007, I have a to teach a 40+ year old man how to use a computer? I mean seriously! Is cut and pasting from a word document to an email really that hard? I do it about 50 times in one day and each time I have stopped and thought about how hard this really must be for him to understand.

Whats more funny is that when I first met this guy when we hired him, he acted like he knew WAY more about my job than I did. We dont even do the same thing for this company we work for. He is in sales, I am an admin. Yet he thought that he knew everything when he was going through the hiring process to work in my department. Guess he isn’t feeling so cocky now. Isn’t computer literacy required these days? It isn’t? Hmmm, no one told me. Learn something new everyday.

 Here it is: Flickr Photo of the Day: Fantasy Come True Flickr ♥