11 05 2007

I hate transitions.
I hate being in love.
It hurts.
I am really beginning to think that I am bad at it.
Or at least after so long, just dont quite know how to do it right.
Instead of grinding my teeth last night, I got a bloody nose.
I dont know what that means.
Work is total crap.
I’m afraid of loosing my job.
I really hope I don’t.
I miss Rura.
I can’t tell him that because he calls it over reacting.
I saw him Wednesday for an hour and a half.
He thinks this is why I miss him.
I miss that new love.
Fresh, new love is exciting.
This isn’t.
This just hurts.
But it’s my problem.
I don’t know the words to make him understand that.
I really want to spend my life with him.
I know he wants to spend his with me.
I just want to be needed again.
And not in a financial way.
In a “I cant go a few hours without hearing your voice” kind of way.
In this way.
But more and more I feel like this is coming true for him.
In my head, most days I feel like I am not enough.
I hate expectations.
I’m a hypocrite for saying that because I expect too much out of Rura.
Then I make him feel bad about it.
Reality is, I’m just expecting too much when he gives me more than enough.
Reality is, I’m slowing screwing him up because its hard to be the most screwed up one in the relationship.
I just hope he understands that I need his HELP and not his negativity.
I need his help.
But it’s too much to ask for because he has enough shit in his life right now.
My problems dont need to be his too.
Tomorrow we have been together for 1 year and 6 months.
I hope I don’t fuck tomorrow up too.
I’m done for the night.



One response

29 05 2007

What’s going on, lady? You seem very conflicted.

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