July 1st? Try July 25th!

25 07 2007

Sorry it’s  been some time since I have written. I’ll say this: this month has turned into the month from hell. It hasn’t even been that bad but there have been some changes that I did not see coming and that I was not prepared for. I lost my job about two and a half weeks ago. They stated that it was for attendence reasons but there was a comment made that I just wasn’t doing my job the way they wanted me to. This infuriates me because I always give 100% to my employers. What I was doing there was NOT hard or challenging in any way. How could I fail at that? For unspoken reasons. I told them that they did not give me any fair warning about this and that I did not agree with their decission. Not that it mattered much. A week before it happened, I was warned about my attendence but by that Friday, the boss was looking for me and I know in my heart that she intended to give me the ax that day. I left early and she waited until Monday morning. I don’t know who I was a threat to there, but its over now.

That same morning, I made an appointment with a temp agency that I had used in the past. I went in Tuesday for their tests and forms. By Wednesday, they had a interview lined up for me for the next day. On Friday, I was offered a new job. I took a pay cut but thats ok because right now, its temporary. The company I am working for has me in a temp to hire spot and once I get hired, my pay will go up. If I’m lucky, I will make more than my last job.

I’ve been at this job for one and a half weeks. It’s not really what I imagined. I was given a project that is just so tedious and flat out boring that I am going stir crazy. Once I finish this, hopefully things will get more interesting and challenging. I love being challened at work and I am really waiting for this one. I’m sure there will be a work rant or two because I am already storing them up in my head.

Things with Rura have been a rollercoaster ride to say the least. All this relationship bullshiz is taking its toll on both of us. I am learning as time goes on, that I need to roll with the punches more. The week I was out of work he stayed right by my side the whole time. He will never understand what that meant to me. The week I started my job, he just kinda went away and he will never understand how that made me feel.

Adjusting to new things is so hard. He says that he hates to feel like he is married and I completely understand that. I just don’t deal with it well. I dont WANT him to resent me or this relationship because of something like that. We got in this to have fun and enjoy each other and lately it just hasn’t been like that. I want him to give me chances to prove his assumtions of who I am wrong. I just have to prove them to myself too. Its hard to change who you are. People say never to change for a man, but the changes that I need to make will only make me a better person. He has always been that to me. He has always made me make choices for myself that make my life better. I just think that he has lost focus on a positive way to do that. Now I feel as if he forces me into those choices to maintain our sanity as a couple. Its hard work. But I told him last weekend that I am in this for the long haul. I AM NOT LEAVING.  Friday night he begged me to go home so that he could be alone. I stubornly refused and we ended up having a good time that night. He asked me when we were going to bed why I didn’t leave. I was laying in his arms at the time and I told him that THIS, right then, that moment, was the reason I didn’t leave.

Both my dad’s parents are dead. My grandpa passed when I was 7 and my grandma, just a few years ago. About a year after her death, I dreamed of my grandpa for the first time. He sat next to me while I was laying down and just talked to me. I have not dreamed of him since. I have never dreamed of her. Last Thursday, I dreamed of them both. Together. My grandpa held my hand and it was so warm and soft. We talked and while talking, Rura walked up behind us and I introduced him. My grandparents looked at each other, smiled and said “So this is the one”. I woke up right after. I was crying. I have never experienced anything like that, never woken up crying from a dream. The pain I felt from missing them was so raw. They both knew him. They both knew as if they had discussed it. The intense feeling of love I felt in that dream and after is what has been helping me get through all of this up and down. 

He has been working with the Police Explorer program more and more in the last month. The first time I saw him in that uniform, I cried and wanted to jump him at the same time. I was so proud. He had his first ride along last week and I think I have never been so stressed about something in a long time. I knew he was in good hands and he reassured me all night in texts and short calls. He changes into another person when he does these things. He is so professional and sharp, I just dont know how to deal with how that makes me feel. It’s all good, I assure you, but its a new feeling. He is going to make a really great cop one day. I want to be there the whole way, no matter how hard. I know he will do it because his mind is set to it. Once that happens, there is no stopping him.

Well I think that this is long enough. I’m outta here for the time being but will hopefully be posting more and more.

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One response

25 07 2007
jessie

Relationships are work, and nobody can really tell you what you are doing right or wrong in trying to make it work, so if you need to change, be it for you or him, do it. then again, the grandparents coming to you in a dream and seemingly approving of him is a good sign in my opinion. Take it slow, guys, youll be thankful when you can have a smooth marriage later on down the road by working out your issues now.

Also, David did explorers for Yucaipa back when Ty was a baby but he had to back out because he couldnt handle it and school and baby all at once. He was going to do cadets here in town but was told that it was a waste of time. How much longer does Rura have till he can do it? I dont even think I know your ages, but isnt explorers for 21 and under? Good luck to him with that.

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