Fantasy vs. Reality

18 09 2007

I would love to make everyone think that me and Rura are a perfect couple. I wish I could tell you that it’s all sushine and fucking rainbows over here. I wish we could be that sick and sweet. But we aren’t. Are you shocked? Ehh… probably not. Everyone has problems right?

For us, we have blow outs. We dont fight every day. We dont critize each other and actually mean it. We bicker over stupid stuff and are constantly reminding each other to chill or forget about something stupid. But we have blow outs. Thinking  back, we seem to have one about once every month. To prove this, I can actually name the dates of our last few. June 13th. July 27th. August 24th. And now, September 17th.

Just thinking back on those dates, I feel sick to my stomach. First it was the ex, then me smothering him, then me taking up his time and making him choose what he wants to do over being with me. And now, I guess, me taking advantage of his love.

The thing is, I dont feel like I do that. In my heart, I am so grateful for him in my life. He has changed me in ways I can’t even describe. He makes me a better person. Except sometimes, I loose it. I completely loose my cool and get so angry and when I get angry, I do stupid things and say stupid things and well, just act stupid.

I want to live that fantasy. I want it so bad. I don’t want to be suspicious of him because he will not even let me touch his phone. I want us to get home and for him to set his phone next to mine and not think about it for the rest of the time we are together. Thats what I do. Why cant he? That gets me thinking that he is hiding something from me. I speak from experience because when I was with the ex, my phone was literally attached to me. I used to sleep with it in my hand and my hand under my pillow. Because I did have something to hide.

I know deep down inside that he is faithful to me. I know that. I just get so scared of loosing something that is so important to me that I act out in irrational ways. And in reality, isn’t that the quickest way to loose something?

I went to bed last night not knowing what today would bring. We hung up with him telling me that he was frustrated and did not want to talk to me anymore, that he just wanted to go to bed. I told him that if he was there with me, none of this would be happening. He said that its easier to tell me this over the phone. That frustrates ME because what can I do other than hang up? When I talked to him this morning, he didn’t mention anything other than to ask me if there was something wrong with me. I fear what I should tell him. Should I be honest and say that I woke up with a migrane and a sore jaw from clenching it in my sleep? No… some things are better left unsaid. He did ask me if I was going to yell at him. Because thats what I do. Thats what he thinks I do.

I don’t want to be that person. I did not think that I was. I dont know what to do or even how to act. I know that once I see him, it will be like none of this ever happened. I have the choice of bringing it up but at that point, I will be so grateful for him just being him again, that I wont. Next month, something else will cause the blow out. And I will again be in this place that I fear. I’m scared to breathe, to speak, not knowing if my actions will set off another reaction.

Why do I feel so responsible? HE should take some of that burden too! But I wont ask him to. I’ll carry it with me and  try to get us back to our fantasy. Because honestly, its good there. Its fucking fantastic there. Here in reality, its just gray. I hate being there. I lived there and I never want to go back.




4 responses

18 09 2007

What a courageously honest post.

The “fantasy” as you call it, is not a fantasy at all but a very real part of your relationship. Even in the bad times, you remember those good times and how it’s never been as good with anyone else. That’s something to hang on to. The first summer with my husband, before he was my husband? I know at certain times in our marriage, we’ve both desperately clung those first summer memories and amazing feelings. And no matter what life throws at us, or how we might change, we have that certainty between us. When it’s good, it’s better than it ever could be with anyone else.

All you can do is learn from these blow outs. Learn what your patterns are, what your triggers are and work through it. You are aware and wanting to learn – it will happen.

You’re amazing, thanks for sharing.

19 09 2007

Ah, the old cell phone spying.

“Whos THIS number? WHO called YOU at 3:27 AM?”

Yeah, you know what, thats just going to cause more stress than anything. If I questioned every number on David’s phone, Id be wasting my breath. Rura probably gets calls from officers, his work, they probably all have different lines that they call from. Think about how police stations work, they have like 40 different lines. If an officer calls him from one of those lines, and you stand there and question who the number belongs to, or worse, CALL IT, you look like the jackass.

Heres the thing. Give it up, and I say this because I know that you have a self esteem issue that you need to get over. You are insecure about him cheating because you are insecure with yourself, and that isnt ok, because youre a great person, a great mom, and youre beautiful! And believe me, sifting through cell phones is a lot of extra hurt and stress. You said yourself that you know he isnt cheating, so…why do you care?

The thing is, youre going to really blow it if you keep it up. Rura is young, and if you keep going psycho on him because youre taking your anger that you have toward yourself out on him, he isnt going to want to stay. He isnt all that experienced in relationships, and you are teaching him. Do you really want to be checking his cell phone in 20 years? Stop the habit now, and show him love.

You want to keep this guy? You turn that anger and fear inside out and turn it into the sweetest little kisses and complements. Even if you have to fake it, and you get a million migranes from holding in the anger. The thing is, youre punishing him for something that is a problem within you, and that isnt fair. He’s not guarding that phone because he’s hiding something, its just that it is the one thing that he has that is HIS and that he can keep some kind of control over.

He’s protecting his nuts, Miss.

And I am speaking from experience. I did the cell phone checking with my ex boyfriend, the guy who I was with for three years. I cheated on him with David, in fact. And when I got with David, I just realized that I had found someone who actually loved me, and who wanted to be with me, and that there was no real reason to treat David like he was a criminal. You wanna know what changed my mind to go from psycho phone raider to loving and trusting?

Look up a song called Hold On Loosely by 38 Special. Or atleast look at the lyrics.

“Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in”

19 09 2007

am a recovering Insecure Psycho Hose Beast, so I can relate. (Not insinuating that you are a IPHB, just trying to highlight my craziness.)
I drove my husband crazy with my paranoia. I KNEW he wasn’t cheating, but there was that little monster deep down that would never let me completely believe it. “You’re fooling yourself!” “You should know better than to trust anyone!” “Don’t let yourself get complacent, or you’ll wind up getting hurt!” So I’d snoop into his emails and all that. And I never found a dang thing. I know now that it really was more about my own insecurities… my constant feeling of unworthiness… abandonment issues… history of bad relationships, MAJOR, MAJOR ISSUES! etc, etc, etc, etc, etc! It had nothing to do with my husband’s actions, yet I was making him pay for what everyone else had done to me.
My insecurities were a huge cause of tension for a long time. It was the underlying issue in every argument we had for the first 3 years of marriage And then I read “Captivating”. And then I read “The Wounded Heart”. And then I went to see a therapist. And now… I’m new and improved! Complete with 100% (OK, 90%) less emasculation!

Ok, this suddenly became all about me. Not what I was going for. I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. And I hope you are able to figure out what the underlying issue is that’s triggering your insecurities so you can get past it. Hang in there, my friend! Rura, too!

19 09 2007
I miss Carrie! « Rura and Miss

[…] gonna give it to Jessie, Layla (zdoodlebug), and Amy for their very kind words and advice in my last post. You all have no idea how important your words are to me. I know I have shit to work through and I […]

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