Call it an epiphany if you will

16 10 2007

My head and my heart have been a big jumbley mess for the past few days. I’ve been feeling so down and out and to be honest, I am really ashamed of myself. I have always prided myself on being up, on being cheery, even in the face of all the things that have gone wrong in my life. The reason for this is that I realized something a long time ago: Being happy is much better than being sad. And its up to ME to make myself happy. So I should just do that.

But at a time when I was at my lowest and really struggling with making myself happy, I met someone. (That’s him, up there, next to my name at the top) Someone who changed my life. He took that burden from my shoulders. He made me happy and I didn’t have to work so hard at it.

But that’s young love and infatuation. And you know what? It wears off. Shocking I know. I have not had to work so hard at being happy for almost two years. I’m not saying that Rura has dropped the ball in anyway. It’s just that people change. They grow. We have gotten to a place in our relationship where we are not as co-dependent on each other. At least, he isn’t.

And you know what? I don’t like it. I have been struggling with the thought that he just doesn’t need me as much as I think I need him. This has created so many feelings inside of me of being inadequate, of not being good enough, of not being exactly what he needs to make it through each day. And I myself have made him those things that I need to get through the day. I stare at my phone and will it to ring. It doesn’t. I struggle with picking it up to call him because lets face it – if he doesn’t need me enough to call me, why should I force him to talk to me when he really doesn’t want to? I turn thoughts over and over in my head thinking that I must be doing something wrong, or being a person I don’t want to be, enough so in fact that he doesn’t want me.

Then it hit me. Today, out of the blue. In the midst of all these crazy thoughts. On a day when I couldn’t make it an hour or so without allowing tears to slip down my cheeks.

None of that is true. He loves me. He wants to spend his life with me. But guess what? I am not his life. And that’s OK. I am a part of his life. I am part of the moments that he remembers and smiles about. The problem I have had the most is accepting that I am not his whole life. Because when we first met, I was. When we first started seeing each other, I was. Now, he has real responsibilities. A real job. A real career that he wants to pursue.  He’s made these choices for his life. And the reality is that he has discussed all these choices with me before pursuing them because it is OUR life together that these things will effect. He respects me that much. So its time I start respecting that too.

I haven’t been. Respecting him that is. He tries so hard to put up with me and he does a fabulous job. But why should he have to “put up” with anything I do? Why can’t I accept him for who he is and what he chooses to do? I’m selfish. But I want to change. I want to be better. I want to be the person that he cares for and doesn’t put up with.

This weekend he was out of town. He was doing what he had to do to get to his chosen career path. He wants to be in law enforcement. Preparing for that means weekends away competing in the Central Coast Law Enforcement Explorer Competition. It means being able to come home proud of your accomplishments. And accomplish he did. First place in the individual agility event. Beating out 55 or so other groups of people all competing for the same thing. He did that. He was #1. He helped put his post on the map. That is the second award he has received working with his post. And that makes me so fucking proud, I don’t even know what to say. That makes me so fucking ashamed for being angry that he didn’t call me ONE night that he was up there. Why? Because him and his post were patting themselves on the back for a job well done. They earned it. And I’m THAT girlfriend that freaks about a phone call.

It’s things like this that I have been doing lately that make me ashamed to be THAT kind of person. So I’m going to stop, put myself in check and support him. Which is exactly what I should have been doing without negativity. Without making him feel guilty.

So honey,
I’m sorry. For acting like an asshole. For not being what I should have been for a while now. You have to go on a ride along? Go. I’ll be here when you are done. I’ll see you when I can. I’ll love you when I don’t. I’ll love you until it’s all said and done. And even beyond that. You cant get rid of me that easily! I’m trying my hardest. And I’ll try even harder for you.
Love,
Your SC
P.S. Thank you for this and this. You have no idea how happy both those things makes me. You are the bestest.

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3 responses

16 10 2007
rimarama

I think you’re right on. It sounds like your relationship is is really just growing and getting more mature, but it still sucks to miss someone so badly. I’ve been there and it’s hard. But you have it together, no matter what you think!

17 10 2007
Amy

I’ve been there, babe. My insecurities were my biggest enemy. I was really bad. I also used to fight w/ my husband all the time and accuse him of not loving me anymore. Because I didn’t feel those “head in the clouds, oblivious to the world around me” feelings like I used to. And it was all his fault. Eventually I learned that love doesn’t always feel like that and it was normal and ok and didn’t mean that he didn’t love me.
Can you say “crazy nutjob”?

17 10 2007
zdoodlebub

Good job. Proud of you – growing right up and all. 🙂 And epiphanies are great. But stay vigilant against the negativity. It’s choice you have to make every day, almost like dealing with an addiction. Like you said, you gotta choose to be happy. (If this unsolicited advice makes it sound like I’ve been there…well…)

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