Your Assvice Needed

16 01 2008

I have a slight “situation” on my hands. So why not turn to the internet for advice?

 This week, I have been making plans to go visit my best buddy S and her man and all her kiddos. Gotta renew my Auntie status, you know? That was the last time I saw her two oldest and the last time I saw her and the new baby was the day after she was born, which had to have been about 2 and a half months. With the holidays and all, we have both just been too busy.

This weekend is her oldest daughter’s 7th birthday.* They are celebrating by going to Chuck E.’s and I told S that we would all be able to come out for the weekend. They live a good 45 minutes to an hour away. When I go out there, I go out there intending to spend the night. Gives me and S time to catch up, the kids time to play, and the guys time to talk about inappropriate sexual positions. Good times had by all. This is my time with S to act like women, not just mommies. Yes we ARE being mommies because we all know the guys are pretty much zoned out, but we can still just hang out and enjoy the company of humans that we do not work with and whose butts we don’t have to wipe. Get me?

So everything was FINE. I switched around schedules with the ex so that I knew I would have SBJ ALL weekend, instead of having to go visit them without him or leave early to take him back to his dad’s. It was all working out. Working out too well obviously.

Rura’s cousin is turning 30. They are having a party at his house. On Saturday night.

Do you recognize my “situation” yet? Let me elaborate.

I am going to visit S and the kids. I am leaving Saturday morning and coming home Sunday afternoon. I was planning on the three of us going. S is expecting the 3 of us. But I know that Rura wants to go to the party. Why would he NOT want to go? I found out about the party last night. I told him about the party AFTER I told him about the weekend plans. I also told him that it is his choice what he wants to do, but that I already had my plans set and that I did not want to change them.

Why not? Ok. I’m sorry. It would be easy for us to go out Saturday morning and come back in time for the party. Of COURSE it would be. But do you know how often I do that? I am constantly cutting short activities I enjoy doing, so that we can do something else. The last time we were visiting S right after the baby was born, we only stayed for like 2 hours because Rura wanted to go home when he actually just wanted to go to a party. That I couldn’t go to. Which would normally be ok, it just upset me that I had to cut my visit with S short. Which is exactly what would be happening this weekend if I compromised with him.

I don’t want to put him in this situation. I don’t want him to have to choose. I just explained to him that we were just at his cousin’s for New Years (which BTW, we went to AFTER we got an invite to a party that S’s in-laws were having, but that’s not really significant is it?) and have hung out and partied with them a few times SINCE the last time I got to see S and the kids. So to me, seeing my best friend and the closest kids I have to a nephew and 2 nieces, is much more important to me. He understands that. But I know he doesn’t want to choose.

He chooses me, he lets down his family. He chooses them, he lets me down.

I would call that a situation.

My problem is, I love him. I don’t want to tell him to choose me. This type of thing has always been on ongoing “thing” in our relationship. I feel like this is a test for both of us. I’m very much afraid of who’s going to fail it. I’m scared its going to be me.

I appreciate every moment we spend together. We have been inseparable the last few months and its been great. I would really love for him to go with me this weekend. But I have to understand if he feels he can’t go. It’s just hard.

So help. Any advise, anything you might have to offer, let me hear it.

*Her oldest and SBJ are two months apart. We were pregnant together. OMG. I’m going to be the mother of a 7 year old.

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11 responses

16 01 2008
skiplovey

Well do you want him to go with you or do you want him to go to the party? Men are so much more simple than women, there’s none of that subtext thing going on with them. Just tell him what to do. I’d say if you want him to go with you, tell him so and say that the next time something comes up and it’s a you thing or my thing that it will be his turn. If you think it’s more important for him to party with his family (didn’t you say he just saw them?) then tell him so. You can’t make him want what you want but you can make him do what you want, get it? And for crying out loud, don’t start with the “your things are my important than my things” business. That will set a precedent all throughout your relationship and you’ll get the ass end of the deal. Be fair, but be don’t be a puss.

16 01 2008
BusyDad

Wait – isn’t there an option 3? Which is you each do your own thing? I actually believe in couples having quality decompression time without one another every once (ok 3 times) in a while. This way you can each do your own thing and be totally at ease with that choice. This way, there’s also no “power struggle” involved. Win-Win… right?

16 01 2008
Monique

I agree with the option 3, mentioned above. Though, at the same time, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I just have no advice. It takes a strong talking to myself for me to realize that Christian really can’t and shouldn’t revolve around me, no matter how much I want him to sometimes. 😦

Good luck, I hope you can work out an awesome win win for both of you. 😀

17 01 2008
lauramcintyre

It would be a hard situation, i agree with the other posters i think

17 01 2008
heather

Lots of times, men need you to tell them what you want – he isn’t going to figure it out. Even if he gets a notion of what he thinks you want, it’s easier to ignore it if that’s not what he wants to do.

Believe me, it took several years to realize that what you think of as a test for them to do the right thing is WAAAY more thinking than he’s going to do.

If you want him to go with you to S’s house and stay there (thus skipping party), then say so – because if you don’t, he won’t. You don’t have to order him, but at least state your preference. Either way, you made your plans – I’d stick with them. If he doesn’t go with you, you go by yourself and have a great time.

17 01 2008
Huckdoll

Miss, I’m with BusyDad on this one. Sometimes just going your seperate ways once in awhile is a good thing in a relationship.

17 01 2008
Jennifer

I agree, do your own thing. Sometimes you’ll compromise and do “his” thing and sometimes you’ll compromise and do “your” thing. This time the compromise is that you each do your own thing.

17 01 2008
Amy

I’ma vote #3. Men need breaks from us wommin. (I don’t understand it either.) Absence makes the heart grow fonder. *gag*

Whatever you do, don’t tell him that it’s up to him and then get mad at him if he doesn’t chose you. That’s something I a crazy person would do.

17 01 2008
Amy

I meant to write “wimmin”, not “wommin”. It’s bugging me.

25 01 2008
Tara R.

I have to agree with BusyDad too … the hubster and I have been together for almost 25 years. If we went EVERYWHERE together one of us would be six-feet under, and the other in a 6X6 cell. Why can’t you both do what you want?

15 05 2008
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me « Rura and Miss

[…] for both of us to be good at this. I’m not saying that we have to be with each other 24/7. We’ve had this discussion. What I’m saying is that we both have to try much, much harder when we are apart. Him to be […]

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