Almost 3 years later…

28 05 2008

…And there is still a lot we have to learn about each other.

Me: Are you sure you don’t want to go see Indiana Jones?
Him: Hell no. I hate Ford.
Me: Whatever! How can you hate Harrison? Sheesh.


Him: 90210 is coming back. Your favorite show!
Me: Hell no. Not for me. You’re thinking of T.


And? I have about 20 bobby pins holding my hair up today. Normal people would just use a hair tie.


Please ignore my huge finger. And my strangely wide nose. But do adore my bangs.

Blah, Blah, Blah… and a tag

20 05 2008

All I gots is bullets for you. And I got tagged so that’s at the end.

  • Why the hell did I sound so grouchy in my first two sentences? That’s no way to start a post. What a bitch.
  • I know why I might be bitchy. I’m at work far too early and I have to have my bits examined by a new doctor today. Fuckin’ insurance. Fuck you Loma Linda for not taking my HMO and advising me the day of  my appointment. If I get pregnant due to lack of birth control, I’m naming my kid Loma if its a boy and Linda if it’s a girl.
  • That was lame. Still, fuck you healthcare.
  • This just horrified me. I am so sorry for you and your vagina girl. And I’m sorry for Mr. Honeybell.
  • I just got a serious craving for Disneyland popcorn.
  • I do not believe the previous two bullet points are related in any way. At least I hope not.
  • This is my 150th post. I’m not that excited about that considering I’ve been blogging here for two years this August.
  • If you don’t take anything from this post, you must go and listen to Kate Voegele’s cover of Hallelujah. (I don’t really know if that link will take you to a good video.) It is beautiful. Listening to it brings tears to my eyes. She rocks. She played it on One Tree Hill. I love getting new music from that show.
  • Speaking of TV. CSI Finale??? OMFG. Seriously, I spontaneously combusted into a heap of tears instantly. Rura freaked a little and said “babe, its not real”. Oh yes it is. In my heart of hearts. Seriously, my emotional range went something like this: “phew, wait…., oh no…. heart pounding, waiting… OH NOOOOOOOO.” Cry, cry, cry. The end.
  • I was just outside taking a break, and the sprinklers turned on and soaked me. Ha. Ha.
  • These are totally not as cute as they look online.
  • It gets on my nerves when bloggers are all “ooooooooh I feel like I am missing out on the world. There is a whole wide world just outside my door and this blog is CONSUMING MEEEEEEEE. Waaaaaahhhh” Shut the fuck up, turn off your damn computer, and GO OUTSIDE. Shit. Blogging should be a hobby, not an obligation. (I’m really only talking about one person who irritates me and I am sure doesn’t read here. So think twice if you are reading this and you think it applies to you. It doesn’t, I love you, you look fabulous in that shirt. Did you do something to your hair? Rarrrrrr.)
  • Rura and I are doing very well. For the last two nights, I’ve gone to sleep hearing “you’re the best, I love you” over and over. AND I got a massage last night. We should take breaks more often.
  • No we shouldn’t.
  • My grandma’s doing good. The rehab gave us the wrong directions for her medications so she was missing out on two blood pressure pills a day. Her blood pressure was up and after I gave her the correct dosage last night, it went down to a better level.

Ok time for the six random things that the totally hot Ali tagged me for. You know what I have to do right? List six random things about me? My life is random so I”ll try my best.

  • I am very anal and picky about my iTunes. Everything needs to have an artist name, album and album cover. I get extreme pleasure from scrolling through my album covers. When the music doesn’t copy the same to my ipod and I have double entries for artists, even when their name is spelled EXACTLY THE SAME and apple is just fucked up, I get extremely irritated.



  • I have a weird collection of sweet n’ low packets and cracker packets collected at my desk. I ALWAYS ask for extra when I go get lunch that requires either of these items.




    • Speaking of my desk, I currently have another Starbucks coffee cup, a Dodgers cup from Carls Jr., an empty bottle of Smart Water, a full bottle of Ethos Water, a SeaQuest DSVcoffee cup from the 90’s, and a venti sized Starbucks cup sitting here. The venti cup is my pen holder, the SeaQuest cup holds my forks and spoons and extra straws, and the Dodger cup is empty.
    • I LOVE history and true crime books. My interest is mostly geared towards WWII because my grandpa served on the USS Hornet. I just finished reading a great book about WWII and am currently reading The Night Stalker, by Philip Carlo. It’s goooood. I chose this book because Richard Ramirez committed his murders in the area that I live now, and grew up in. I was 3 when he was at large and my parents remember locking their doors and windows because the entire city of Los Angeles was living in fear. My parents knew one of his victims.
    • I am totally suck at this. I have no idea what else to say. I do know that once I publish this post, I’ll think of two more brilliantly strange things to write about.  ……  Nope still nothin’ upstairs.

    OK then. This post got way longer than I thought it would. If you made it this far, then you are awesome. I’ma be mean and tag Luna, Honeybell, and Jim. I don’t care if you already did it, I did too but I lurve Ali so much, I did it again. If you dont, then you dont really love me.


    Don’t know what you’re expecting of me

    15 05 2008

    Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
    Holding too tightly afraid to lose control…

    Control is the root of all things evil.

    I think because my life felt so much out of my own control for a long time, I have held on very tightly in this relationship. I try so hard to keep it all together. I hate to feel like something isn’t right and I become afraid of losing the things that I work so hard to keep together.

    When I talked to Rura on Tuesday, he really did not want to talk about anything. This of course goes against everything that I do. I need to talk it out, make it better. Tuesday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I was constantly in tears over simple things and I was just wallowing in my self pity. I told him how I felt. The phone was a lost cause because we did not communicate at all when we were on it. So I emailed him. (Very 2008 huh?) And the email worked. My words got through. Of course I can type out my heart in a minute, but when it comes to verbal expression? The gift is lost on me.

    For the first time that day, I took a breath without a pain in my chest after he texted me and said that we could do this. We could do it together. He just wants some room to breathe himself. I get that.

    We are good. When we are together, we are great. When we are apart, it’s much harder for both of us to be good at this. I’m not saying that we have to be with each other 24/7. We’ve had this discussion. What I’m saying is that we both have to try much, much harder when we are apart. Him to be more patient with me. Me to be less demanding of him.

    Something that I have been realizing is something that I don’t like about myself very much. I was in a controlling relationship. I hated it. But lately I have recognized myself mimicking the tricks that my ex used to manipulate me. Sometimes it’s to get a reaction. Sometimes it’s just to be nasty. I don’t like this. Rura doesn’t deserve this. I find myself doing it before I even realize that I am doing it. Most of the time, I realize what I did once it’s done. And I feel so guilty. This is an abusers mentality, that I regret my actions and won’t repeat them. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know if I need to go and talk to someone about it, or to just really concentrate on what I am saying before it actually leaves my mouth. (Obviously, that’s not my strong point anyways.)(Holy shit, does that make me horrible? Ughhhh)

    In reality, I am the one that causes the problems in our relationship. I am the one that has the most to work on. I know that. Rura has been so patient and so real with me and sometimes I take his honesty as confrontation and it makes the situation worse.

    I don’t know how many chances he has given me but I want this one to be the last time that he has to.

    *Thank you. All of you who commented or emailed me, I appreciate all your kind words, your hugs, and your offerings of support. You gals are the kind of gals I want to get drunk and do inappropriate things to.

    I don’t know what it takes…

    12 05 2008

    I thought I could do it this time. He made me believe that it wasn’t ME that was the problem.

    Either he was wrong, or he is realizing now that I am the problem.

    You know, you do so much. You give so much. You think that the person you are helping out, giving your time to, giving your heart and soul to is going to see how much you do and how much you care, and is actually going to appreciate it. But no.

    Guess who’s the fool!

    Guess who needs time to “get it all together”?

    Well what about me? What about my time?? What about what I want, what I dream?

    I put my dreams on hold the day I got pregnant. I put my dreams on hold for YEARS for someone who didn’t give a fuck about me. Who I supported so he could follow his dreams! Every step up the way. I didn’t get shit for it.

    Someone found me, who saw me for me. Who loved me for me. Or so I thought. Or maybe he does. I dont even know right now.

    All I know is that it hurts. All I know is that I hurt. I hurt to breathe. All I know is that I was willing to do it again. To support him every step of the way, so that I COULD achieve my dreams. My dream of having a family that I love. My dream of having a place to call OUR home. Somewhere I could hang our pictures on the wall and watch our babies grow up. THAT is my dream. By helping him achieve his dreams, I could reach mine.

    That dream just got further away.

    And why? What did I do? Am I just that person who deserves this kind of respect?

    I’m sitting here and I’m thinking how I just reached a point that was one of my biggest fears getting into this relationship. I wrote about it in January of 2006. I had been seeing Rura for almost 3 months….

    [Here I go, scream my lungs out. Try to get to you]

    I have this huge fear that I am building up this alternative life for myself and for my future. For a long time, I could clearly see my path laid in front of me. It was pretty dull. Now, I have this fork in my road. I am so scared to take it. 99% of me thinks it would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. 1% thinks it would be stupid. That 1 itty bitty percent, owns me. That 1% scares the hell out of me. For one, I want everything this new path has to offer. The love, the laughter, the thought in my head that it can only get better from here. Then I have to think about the other person, the person who could give me all of those things that I so desperatly need and have not had for the past 5 years of my life. This person, this part of me, has so much to offer this life. He has his whole future ahead of him, open to make choices now that will shape the rest of his life. I know we dont always make the right choices but I think he just might be wise enough to make the right choices for himself. It scares me to death that because he knows and loves me, that love alone willl limit those choices and take so many of them away from him. Could you live with yourself if you knew you had that capability?

    Even if things ended up the way I wish they could, they would not be easy. They would be so hard. Even if we got through the hard time we face, if we do choose to pursue this life, another thing that scares me is that even after all that, I will let him down. There will come a time when he looks at me and says “you aren’t enough” and he will think of me as the biggest mistake of his life.

    [I’m] In love and living in this fantasy that there is someone out there that loves me. That looks at me and sees beauty and love. I dont feel worthy of his feelings, I dont feel like I am enough for them. He has all those emotions inside of him, he can give them to me so easily, but I feel like I am wasting his time and wasting his heart. I am scared to break him in such a way that he becomes bitter. He is too beautiful to be that and I am terrified that I will make him that. I am ashamed to feel that giving myself to him will not be enough when all is said and done. I am scared that he will expect more from me, when I wont be able to give him anything else or to meet his expectations. I will not be enough.

    [I’m so sorry that I won’t be enough for you]

    Guess I was right. I can’t get us through it all. I can’t do it. Why do I feel like I have failed massively at something that should have been so fucking easy? Why the fuck can’t I make this work????? What am I missing that I am just not capable of making someone happy? Of having someone love me unconditionally, without needing fucking BREAKS from me??

    I fail at life.

    I am so in love with a person who’s maybe kinda in love with me? I don’t know. It’s become increasingly difficult for him to express himself to me and I don’t know why. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know when it changed. I just don’t know what could have been done to prevent this from happening.

    He’s says its not over. It’s just a break. Who are we, Rachel and Ross? We all saw how THAT turned out.

    I’ve just crossed into the numbness. That was fast. This helps. How I’m going to face the sun, I have no fuckin clue.

    He doesn’t read here. Isn’t that funny?  I created a blog with OUR DAMN NAMES IN IT and he cant be bothered to read.  Oh well.

    Am I expecting too much? Probably. I suck at that.

    I feel like I just lost my life line. I feel like I just lost my best friend.

    Now what? What are the rules of a “break”? Can I call him to tell him about the random events of my day that always make us laugh? Is that allowed? Can I call him to tell him goodnight? Can I tell him how I miss his lips and his neck and the way that he picks me up and kisses me when he hasn’t seen me for a few days? Can I let him know that even when we are apart for a few hours, I still think of him every minute and just cant wait to see him again? What about letting him know that I sometimes just like to sit back and watch him do normal things, like brush his teeth, or talk to his mom, or play his games? What about when our eyes meet in a window reflection and we just laugh at each other because we both know we are thinking the same thing?

    When do I get to tell him that I love him?

    I feel so lost.

    SPF – Music Player

    9 05 2008


    Oh hells yea. Nice button!! This week, the ever lovely Kristine asked us to show her our music players. Here goes:

    SPF Music Player

    I’ve rocked this Ipod for over two years. It’s blanked out on me a couple times but has held out for the last 6 or 7 months. I’m in the process of updating all my technical toys but its hard for me to part with this one the most. Plus I love my awesome Dodgers skin and I dont really want to part with that.

    So there it is.

    Did you play?

    Update on my grandma: She’s still in rehab. She’s doing better but we just don’t know if she is going to be able to handle stairs. She should be there another week so I’ll give a better update once she is home. Thanks to everyone for your well wishes. I appreciate it more than you know.