I don’t know what it takes…

12 05 2008

I thought I could do it this time. He made me believe that it wasn’t ME that was the problem.

Either he was wrong, or he is realizing now that I am the problem.

You know, you do so much. You give so much. You think that the person you are helping out, giving your time to, giving your heart and soul to is going to see how much you do and how much you care, and is actually going to appreciate it. But no.

Guess who’s the fool!

Guess who needs time to “get it all together”?

Well what about me? What about my time?? What about what I want, what I dream?

I put my dreams on hold the day I got pregnant. I put my dreams on hold for YEARS for someone who didn’t give a fuck about me. Who I supported so he could follow his dreams! Every step up the way. I didn’t get shit for it.

Someone found me, who saw me for me. Who loved me for me. Or so I thought. Or maybe he does. I dont even know right now.

All I know is that it hurts. All I know is that I hurt. I hurt to breathe. All I know is that I was willing to do it again. To support him every step of the way, so that I COULD achieve my dreams. My dream of having a family that I love. My dream of having a place to call OUR home. Somewhere I could hang our pictures on the wall and watch our babies grow up. THAT is my dream. By helping him achieve his dreams, I could reach mine.

That dream just got further away.

And why? What did I do? Am I just that person who deserves this kind of respect?

I’m sitting here and I’m thinking how I just reached a point that was one of my biggest fears getting into this relationship. I wrote about it in January of 2006. I had been seeing Rura for almost 3 months….

[Here I go, scream my lungs out. Try to get to you]

I have this huge fear that I am building up this alternative life for myself and for my future. For a long time, I could clearly see my path laid in front of me. It was pretty dull. Now, I have this fork in my road. I am so scared to take it. 99% of me thinks it would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. 1% thinks it would be stupid. That 1 itty bitty percent, owns me. That 1% scares the hell out of me. For one, I want everything this new path has to offer. The love, the laughter, the thought in my head that it can only get better from here. Then I have to think about the other person, the person who could give me all of those things that I so desperatly need and have not had for the past 5 years of my life. This person, this part of me, has so much to offer this life. He has his whole future ahead of him, open to make choices now that will shape the rest of his life. I know we dont always make the right choices but I think he just might be wise enough to make the right choices for himself. It scares me to death that because he knows and loves me, that love alone willl limit those choices and take so many of them away from him. Could you live with yourself if you knew you had that capability?

Even if things ended up the way I wish they could, they would not be easy. They would be so hard. Even if we got through the hard time we face, if we do choose to pursue this life, another thing that scares me is that even after all that, I will let him down. There will come a time when he looks at me and says “you aren’t enough” and he will think of me as the biggest mistake of his life.

[I’m] In love and living in this fantasy that there is someone out there that loves me. That looks at me and sees beauty and love. I dont feel worthy of his feelings, I dont feel like I am enough for them. He has all those emotions inside of him, he can give them to me so easily, but I feel like I am wasting his time and wasting his heart. I am scared to break him in such a way that he becomes bitter. He is too beautiful to be that and I am terrified that I will make him that. I am ashamed to feel that giving myself to him will not be enough when all is said and done. I am scared that he will expect more from me, when I wont be able to give him anything else or to meet his expectations. I will not be enough.

[I’m so sorry that I won’t be enough for you]

Guess I was right. I can’t get us through it all. I can’t do it. Why do I feel like I have failed massively at something that should have been so fucking easy? Why the fuck can’t I make this work????? What am I missing that I am just not capable of making someone happy? Of having someone love me unconditionally, without needing fucking BREAKS from me??

I fail at life.

I am so in love with a person who’s maybe kinda in love with me? I don’t know. It’s become increasingly difficult for him to express himself to me and I don’t know why. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know when it changed. I just don’t know what could have been done to prevent this from happening.

He’s says its not over. It’s just a break. Who are we, Rachel and Ross? We all saw how THAT turned out.

I’ve just crossed into the numbness. That was fast. This helps. How I’m going to face the sun, I have no fuckin clue.

He doesn’t read here. Isn’t that funny?  I created a blog with OUR DAMN NAMES IN IT and he cant be bothered to read.  Oh well.

Am I expecting too much? Probably. I suck at that.

I feel like I just lost my life line. I feel like I just lost my best friend.

Now what? What are the rules of a “break”? Can I call him to tell him about the random events of my day that always make us laugh? Is that allowed? Can I call him to tell him goodnight? Can I tell him how I miss his lips and his neck and the way that he picks me up and kisses me when he hasn’t seen me for a few days? Can I let him know that even when we are apart for a few hours, I still think of him every minute and just cant wait to see him again? What about letting him know that I sometimes just like to sit back and watch him do normal things, like brush his teeth, or talk to his mom, or play his games? What about when our eyes meet in a window reflection and we just laugh at each other because we both know we are thinking the same thing?

When do I get to tell him that I love him?

I feel so lost.

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9 responses

13 05 2008
Amy

Big squeezy hug from me to you!

I lub you.

13 05 2008
skiplovey

Yowzers that’s rough. I’m not going to try to give you advice, advice when you’re feeling down is like lemonade on a gaping wound. All I can say is you’re a great and wonderful gal with a big, ole heart and it’s that not enough for him then he’s a big jerk.
Big hug from me too!

13 05 2008
Honeybell

This is me, hugging you. I’m so sorry it all sucks right now. i want it all to work out awesomely for you.

13 05 2008
heather

So hard, I’m sorry for you. If he feels that way, maybe he isn’t so deserving of your unquestioning affection – the emotion you display is rare and he’s lucky to have someone who not only feels that way but can say it. Stay strong…

13 05 2008
Jennifer

Oh shit, shit, shit.

I’m so sorry! Wish I was there to take you out for beers and talking and crying and yelling.

So sorry.

14 05 2008
LunaNik

Oh Miss, I am so terribly sorry. This sucks.

If you ever need to talk, just to get it all out so it doesn’t eat you alive, don’t hesitate to email me and I’ll give you my #.

14 05 2008
rimarama

Oh, honey. No, you are NOT asking too much. You deserve all those things, and you deserve someone who wants more than anything to give them to you.

14 05 2008
ohmommy

((hugs))

12 01 2009
nointention

a dilemma nobody should be in..your heart hurts and u just feel like crying all the time even when there’s no more tears left. i pray for ur happiness, maybe there’s a light in the darkness somewhere..

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