Don’t know what you’re expecting of me

15 05 2008

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control…

Control is the root of all things evil.

I think because my life felt so much out of my own control for a long time, I have held on very tightly in this relationship. I try so hard to keep it all together. I hate to feel like something isn’t right and I become afraid of losing the things that I work so hard to keep together.

When I talked to Rura on Tuesday, he really did not want to talk about anything. This of course goes against everything that I do. I need to talk it out, make it better. Tuesday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I was constantly in tears over simple things and I was just wallowing in my self pity. I told him how I felt. The phone was a lost cause because we did not communicate at all when we were on it. So I emailed him. (Very 2008 huh?) And the email worked. My words got through. Of course I can type out my heart in a minute, but when it comes to verbal expression? The gift is lost on me.

For the first time that day, I took a breath without a pain in my chest after he texted me and said that we could do this. We could do it together. He just wants some room to breathe himself. I get that.

We are good. When we are together, we are great. When we are apart, it’s much harder for both of us to be good at this. I’m not saying that we have to be with each other 24/7. We’ve had this discussion. What I’m saying is that we both have to try much, much harder when we are apart. Him to be more patient with me. Me to be less demanding of him.

Something that I have been realizing is something that I don’t like about myself very much. I was in a controlling relationship. I hated it. But lately I have recognized myself mimicking the tricks that my ex used to manipulate me. Sometimes it’s to get a reaction. Sometimes it’s just to be nasty. I don’t like this. Rura doesn’t deserve this. I find myself doing it before I even realize that I am doing it. Most of the time, I realize what I did once it’s done. And I feel so guilty. This is an abusers mentality, that I regret my actions and won’t repeat them. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know if I need to go and talk to someone about it, or to just really concentrate on what I am saying before it actually leaves my mouth. (Obviously, that’s not my strong point anyways.)(Holy shit, does that make me horrible? Ughhhh)

In reality, I am the one that causes the problems in our relationship. I am the one that has the most to work on. I know that. Rura has been so patient and so real with me and sometimes I take his honesty as confrontation and it makes the situation worse.

I don’t know how many chances he has given me but I want this one to be the last time that he has to.

*Thank you. All of you who commented or emailed me, I appreciate all your kind words, your hugs, and your offerings of support. You gals are the kind of gals I want to get drunk and do inappropriate things to.



9 responses

15 05 2008

I’m glad things are working out.

I have huge control issues, too. I didn’t even know it until I was reading a book about co-dependence and there was a test in there to help determine whether or not you are in a controlling relationship. It was geared towards your significant other. “Does your partner do this?” “Does your partner do that?” It was a huge slap in the face when I saw MYSELF in those questions.

Sometimes just recognizing you have an issue is enough to help change it. But if you find that it isn’t enough, talking to someone might be really beneficial. Give you a different perspective and some tools to help overcome things you can’t seem to work out yourself. No matter what, I lub you and I’m here for you!

And when I finally get my degree in Psychology, I will totally give you discount sessions.

15 05 2008

I’m so happy for you that it’s working out, sometimes it’s so hard to look at things honestly, especially when you discover it isn’t all HIS fault. (can you tell I’ve been there?)

Hugs and inappropriate groping to you!

16 05 2008

Very glad to hear you guys are talking (or emailing, whateve) things out. I’m so the same way about communicating, I have to talk every little thing out endlessly and I freak out if Ben is not up to it. And just because they’re not in the mood to talk doesn’t mean something bad is going on, they’re men, they’re just not so talky-talky.

16 05 2008

Miss – I’m sorry to read about all this a few days too late. I’m glad things are on the mend, but I should have been that crazy friend who just left a comment like “oh girly girl, you just need a couple shots! Let’s go!”

Funny, I don’t know what my love life would have been without email. I can resolve a fight over email in about 1/4 of the time it takes to resolve one in person. Been email fightin since the dawn of the internet. ๐Ÿ™‚

16 05 2008

what’s up with the alien xmas tree avatar next to my name btw…

18 05 2008

I’m late but it doesn’t matter, I don’t have any advice beeing as I’m similar to you, but I enjoyed reading this nonetheless. ๐Ÿ™‚

18 05 2008

You have my number. You should call me, I can help you through this. I was in the same situation with the controlling relationship, and I had to think and stop myself from acting like that with David in the first part of our relationship. We should talk.

Oh, and David? He doesnt read my blog either.

20 05 2008

So glad to hear you two are taking strides in a positive direction. But honey, don’t be too hard on yourself. You seem to be placing almost all the blame on your own shoulders. Relationships are hard. They are stressful. They sometimes bring out the ugly in us, no matter how beautiful the bond is. Don’t let the ugly overtake you by telling yourself it’s all you. I love that you are able to recognize your own faults and try to remedy them (that’s HUGE and you should be proud), but I’m sure you’re not the only one to blame for the problems in the relationship. It takes two to tango, babe. Work together to fix it, and you’ll be that much stronger in the end. Promise. xoxo

23 05 2008

Holy cow, Miss. I can totally relate to this in so many ways. Thanks for sharing and putting this out there – I have massive respect for that kind of honestly with oneself and the world.

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