– to be loved.
– to feel beautiful. And sexy. And not in a position to have to beg and plead for either of these things.
– to be comfortable in our own skin. In our own home.
– to be heard. To be listened to and appreciated for our words, our wisdom, and our souls.
– to know that we are in a relationship where the feelings for each other are reciprocated and not just given out of obligation.
– to be able to provide a loving home for our kids, without angry words.
– to not have to tread lightly on rough waters. Why are we settling for “decent enough” and not “fucking fantastic”?
– to laugh with each other every single day and know that we are sleeping beside someone who wants to laugh with us (and not necessarily at us).
– to feel wanted. In fact, to feel needed.
– the idea that just saying hello, how are you, hope you are smiling, is good enough to put a smile on our faces. (and it is. It so is.)
– our freedom. Without thinking that the person we are with doesn’t believe in the same.
– to be ourselves. Without feeling like who we ARE, who we want to be, who we CAN be is just not enough to make this relationship work. I am good enough. I shouldn’t have to go above and beyond JUST so you can see that.
– the ability to find all of this in ourselves, in our relationship, in each other.
– not to settle. Because when you settle, and admit defeat, you aren’t just cheating yourself, you are cheating all the people that you love, and the people that love you.
– the ability to say, “I’m in love”, not just “I love”.
– soft laughter, sweet touches, and soft kisses.
– not to say “goodbye” every day, but “goodnight, I cant wait to wake up next to you”.
– each other.
This blog has taken a turn. I recognize that. I went back and read some of your comments about the love that I have with him. How so many of you thought it was so beautiful. And it was. It really, really was. And now its just all twisted. I’ve contemplated moving my blog away from “ruraandmiss” because I just don’t feel like I am a part of that team anymore. These last few weeks, I have seriously thought about ending this relationship. But I want it. I want this life to work. I just never, ever imagined that it would become so much work. And please spare me your thoughts on how a relationship IS work. I know that. I fucking LIVED that. And even if I failed at it in the past, I have come to learn that a good relationship doesn’t NEED that type of back breaking, HEART breaking work. Especially when you are the only one doing anything to salvage it.
I can sit here and list all the ways I have tried to save us. This post would get much, much longer if I did. It’s just that after days like today, when I can SEE him trying, I just cant say that I am quite ready to throw in the towel. It’s just those things, those signs that pop up. Even now, right this minute, I know that everything isn’t ok. And it’s just the lack of a simple phone call to say goodnight, that is enough to make me see that. And the thing is, I’m not overly emotional about it. I’ve done that. I still cry. I cried twice over him today and it makes me feel weak. But I will NOT live my life like that. I DON’T DESERVE THAT.
The thing is, and it really boils down to this, I know I’m not alone. This has been proven to me in the last two weeks. If I had to go through all of this alone, I don’t think I would make it through, at least not in the state I am in right now. I would be a shell, going through the motions. I’m being held up, in the slightest ways possible, and it’s helping me get through these days, these never ending days where loneliness edges at my heart. And I can only give my thanks for that. My deepest and utter gratitude. You will never, ever know what your lovely words give to me each day. They will be as meaningful to me in 50 years as they are to me today, at this moment.