Leap of Faith #1: Trust

8 02 2008

Leap of Faith 

Trust is a tricky thing. It is so hard to gain, so hard to give, but taken away so easily. I struggle so much with this that I am beginning to NOT trust the whole concept of trust.

Let me start making some sense.

Right now, I am faced with the opportunity to take a Leap of Faith. I just don’t know if I should.

Go read this:
When Trust Leaves You Hanging

I link to this post often so if you have read it, you will understand. If you haven’t take a minute and go for it. This post will make a lot more sense.

When I wrote that post, me and my “BFF” T, had just “broken up” (for lack of a better phrase). What I never added or wrote about was what happened AFTER all that. I did talk to Rura’s mom about the situation and she believed me. She knew that T was always up to no good and she did not trust her. Once all as said and done (or at least I thought) T continued to attempt to bring me down. She actually told my ex, who she HATED, everything about my and Rura’s relationship, everything I had ever told her in confidence. Can you imagine the can of worms that opened? Needless to say, I was very hurt over and over by her. It still bothers me. I don’t think about it everyday, but when it does cross my mind, I get angry about it.

Fast forward to the last 3 months. Rura and I have spoken to T’s husband a few times, here and there. Him on the phone, me through myspace. We both agreed that we missed hanging out with him, but could do without her. We talked about the trust issue, about how I felt betrayed and that he had felt the same. Then around New Years, his phone was off and he wasn’t answering our messages on myspace.

Fast Forward to last night. Rura gets a call on  his cell from a number he doesn’t know. He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t recognize the name or the voice but the caller says its important, he needs his help, and to please call back. Rura tries to call for about an hour but no one ever picks up. No voice mail either. He calls again this afternoon and it’s T’s husband, R. He called last night so that Rura could give me the phone, so that T could ask me a question. The question? She wanted to know the name of one of the mom’s on our son’s soccer team. From 2 years ago.

She wanted to ask me if I remembered someones name. (I’m thinking about it, and the circumstances that are prompting her to ask me, and things don’t add up. If that mom, who we can only remember as *insert kids name here*’s mom, is causing trouble with one of T’s cousins or something, then how did her name NOT come up when she was first brought up? Sounds like a made up story) Such a simple and ridiculous thing to make contact over.

Its been 9 months. This is why she calls? THIS is what she has no problem talking to me about??!

I don’t get it.

Rura told me that him and R talked about the possibility of me and T “reuniting”. He asked me what I thought about that, if I was able to handle the possibility of that situation.

I honestly don’t know.

I would feel like a fool if I just went back so easily. Especially without some kind of apology. I know in y heart that I will never, ever get one from her. She isn’t capable of that kind of thought process. I’m sure that she truly thinks I was wrong, that I’m the cause of the end of our friendship, and that she is doing ME a favor (again) by extending her hand.

Then again, she really hasn’t. This could all be some kind of game.

I want to feel comfortable enough to give friendship with her another try. But why should I? I don’t want to look like a fool and I certainly don’t want her to think that SHE was the one who did me a favor by being my friend again.

So to leap or not to leap?

That is the question.

Leap of Faith in 08′is the brainchild of some awesome bloggers: Chicken Fried Therapy, Busy Dad, and Piper of Bliss in Bloom. Click their names for their LoF posts!