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19 08 2008

For the last two years, I’ve bounced around a lot. Between my parents, my grandma’s, and friends, I haven’t had a real place to call home. Its unsettling, its frustrating, and gawd damn if I just want to walk around in my underwear when I get home from work at night.

I thought, for a time there, that wherever I was, as long as I was with Rura, I felt like I was home.

I was so wrong. I’ve found, over the last month, that home is where your heart is.

My heart is right here. With all of you. The comments that you left for me, the emails that you sent me, the phone calls and the text messages, the long, long nights of plurks… I wouldn’t be able to even be anything. From these two literally holding my head up, night after night, situation after situation. To him reassuring me that I am neither dumpy nor uncool and literally cracking me up while my cheeks were damp with tears.

I can never ever express exactly what all of you mean to me. Some may think its pathetic, but when I get online, anytime of the day, I know I’m home.

As of now, Rura and Miss are no longer Rura and Miss. We both have our reason’s for this, even if they are on complete opposite sides of the relationship spectrum. I know I can’t be in a relationship where I never talk to or see my boyfriend. He says he can’t love a liar. We are both hurting. As much as I am all about the over sharing, I think this time I’ll leave it at that.

In all honesty, I don’t think this portion of my life is over. I think it just might be the hardest thing we will ever go through. Usually we fight through these things together, but this time, I dont believe thats an option and I am not going to push for it to become one. He has things he has to sort out and so do I. If we can find each other after all of those clouds are gone, then we were meant to live this life together after all.

Until then, it’s Just Miss.

I hope you join me. There will be cold beer in the fridge at least and a full bar to the left.

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Empty

18 08 2008

I knew, from the moment I fell in love with him, that one day he would realize that I wasn’t enough.

I’m not enough.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t enough. Wasn’t good enough to fit into your perfect life.

How will I ever know when I’m getting this right?





Awake

13 08 2008

“I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do, you’re an angel disguised”

This is what I want. Intensity. Passion. Just listen to his voice, listen to the harmonies. Listen to that guitar. You cant tell me anything that beats a man, filled with passion, passion that you have inspired, singing and playing a song just for you. Intensity like that is hard to find. I would hold on to it if I did.

“I’ll give you my heart on a string”

If there was ever a time I could remember such intensity. Such want. I think I’ve felt it before, but now it just feels fake. Was it the music? Was it those moments? I cant even remember anymore, its been far too long.

“I’m trying real hard not to shake, I’m biting my tongue. But I’m feeling alive. And with every breath that I take, I feel like I’ve won.”

Remember that feeling? That nervousness of being with someone for the first, second, or third time? You are so unsure of yourself. So unsteady. Because feeling his heart beat makes you tremble. And the butterflies are flying, out of control. One of the best highs in the world.

“If its a hero you want I can save you, just stay here.”

Be my hero. Save me from what it is I have become. The life that I am living. I need a hero. Ride in on your white horse and right my wrongs. You have that inside of you.

“Say my name, I just want to hear you, so I know its true.”

Whisper in my ear. That will take it one step over that already scary edge. Just say it. Say you want me.

“Just say, that you’ll stay awake for me, I don’t want to miss anything.’





Another “first” gone

10 08 2008

So just the other day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Wait… that was 7 years ago.

Let me start over.

So just the other day, I took my son to his first day of second grade.

*Ahem* That’s better.

He was very much not looking forward to second grade. His whole first grade experience left a lot to be desired. His teacher was much too old* to be teaching first graders. She just could not keep up and she had a short temper with all the kids, not just mine. Basically, it was one of those situations where every parent thought it was their kid that was acting out, when, to his teacher, it was all the kids.

Needless to say, he was not looking forward to his first day.

I kept telling him it should be ok, and to give his new teacher a chance. He can be stubborn as hell so he wasn’t buying into my attempts to be a soothing mother type figure. Kid’s got me figured out yo.

We did the school clothes shopping, and the supply shopping and his dad took care of the shoes. He wasn’t quite ready to end his vacation. He had just stayed at the beach with the ex’s family for a long weekend, plus a lot of swimming, games, and just normal little boy stuff.

I keep forgetting he’s 7. I know that 7 doesn’t mean grown. But 2nd grade? Already? I mean, really. It’s going by far too fast for me. It’s hard to remember a time before now. I mean, yea I have pictures and video but it’s just not the same.

This does not equal out to baby fever by the way. So stop thinking that right now. You know who you are.

Any-ways, before I was rudely interrupted by those that want to see me knocked up, I just want a few minutes with my squishy little boy. Can you believe that skinny kid right there used to be a bunch of rolls? Rolls for days. He loved the boob, this kid did.

So my baby is grown. Wearing a size 3 and a half shoe now. Starts his 4th year of soccer tomorrow. Listening to this song, over and over on his first day of school.


Yea, I know all the words. What of it?

If there is yet another thing that makes me proud, is that he has inherited my love of music. Even if it’s The Naked Brothers Band, or iCarly. He will always make me smile when I hear him singing along.

Yup. My kid is so much cooler than me.

*I got mad love for the teachers. Some of the coolest people I know have teachers for their mommies. Me included.





It’s What We Deserve…

3 08 2008

We deserve…

– to be loved.

– to feel beautiful. And sexy. And not in a position to have to beg and plead for either of these things.

– to be comfortable in our own skin. In our own home.

– to be heard. To be listened to and appreciated for our words, our wisdom, and our souls.

– to know that we are in a relationship where the feelings for each other are reciprocated and not just given out of obligation.

– happiness.

– to be able to provide a loving home for our kids, without angry words.

– to not have to tread lightly on rough waters. Why are we settling for “decent enough” and not “fucking fantastic”?

– to laugh with each other every single day and know that we are sleeping beside someone who wants to laugh with us (and not necessarily at us).

– to feel wanted. In fact, to feel needed.

– the idea that just saying hello, how are you, hope you are smiling, is good enough to put a smile on our faces. (and it is. It so is.)

– our freedom. Without thinking that the person we are with doesn’t believe in the same.

– to be ourselves. Without feeling like who we ARE, who we want to be, who we CAN be is just not enough to make this relationship work. I am good enough. I shouldn’t have to go above and beyond JUST so you can see that.

– the ability to find all of this in ourselves, in our relationship, in each other.

– not to settle. Because when you settle, and admit defeat, you aren’t just cheating yourself, you are cheating all the people that you love, and the people that love you.

– the ability to say, “I’m in love”, not just “I love”.

– soft laughter, sweet touches, and soft kisses.

– not to say “goodbye” every day, but “goodnight, I cant wait to wake up next to you”.

– each other.

This blog has taken a turn. I recognize that. I went back and read some of your comments about the love that I have with him. How so many of you thought it was so beautiful. And it was. It really, really was. And now its just all twisted. I’ve contemplated moving my blog away from “ruraandmiss” because I just don’t feel like I am a part of that team anymore. These last few weeks, I have seriously thought about ending this relationship. But I want it. I want this life to work. I just never, ever imagined that it would become so much work. And please spare me your thoughts on how a relationship IS work. I know that. I fucking LIVED that. And even if I failed at it in the past, I have come to learn that a good relationship doesn’t NEED that type of back breaking, HEART breaking work. Especially when you are the only one doing anything to salvage it.

I can sit here and list all the ways I have tried to save us. This post would get much, much longer if I did. It’s just that after days like today, when I can SEE him trying, I just cant say that I am quite ready to throw in the towel. It’s just those things, those signs that pop up. Even now, right this minute, I know that everything isn’t ok. And it’s just the lack of a simple phone call to say goodnight, that is enough to make me see that. And the thing is, I’m not overly emotional about it. I’ve done that. I still cry. I cried twice over him today and it makes me feel weak. But I will NOT live my life like that. I DON’T DESERVE THAT.

The thing is, and it really boils down to this, I know I’m not alone. This has been proven to me in the last two weeks. If I had to go through all of this alone, I don’t think I would make it through, at least not in the state I am in right now. I would be a shell, going through the motions. I’m being held up, in the slightest ways possible, and it’s helping me get through these days, these never ending days where loneliness edges at my heart. And I can only give my thanks for that. My deepest and utter gratitude. You will never, ever know what your lovely words give to me each day. They will be as meaningful to me in 50 years as they are to me today, at this moment.





Just shut up already!

30 07 2008

I realized something last week.

I talk way to damn much. When I think I have something interesting to say, I talk. And talk. And talk, talk, talk, and I don’t let the people with me get a word in. I sit down with a friend and the flood gates open. Especially if the person doesn’t really know me.

You know there are friends who you are getting to know and then there are friends who know you? They know all your bullshit so you really just kick back and talk about the weather? (ok not really the weather per say, but you know what I mean) Well I really realized I had this problem. Because I kept sitting there, word vomit flowing from my mouth, my brain screaming at me to SHUT UP ALREADY, and I couldn’t stop. There were times when I was out of breath!

Add alcohol to the equation??

I sat, in a crowded, small space, and yelled (or so I was told) “I’m dysfunctional!!”. It sounded like a whisper to me, I swear. Of course this was only after  I had just described my family. Both sides. Explaining the complexity of my family, both sides!, all at once made me realize that I am dysfunctional. And I felt the need to supposedly scream that out. It doesn’t help to be in the company of an intimidatingly good looking, smart, way out of my league, person. The combination of that, alcohol, and nicotine (which, HELLO head rush) is what must have caused me to become so obnoxious.

I do it online too. Instant messages, plurk, whatever. I respond and respond and dont stop and then its just silence. Oh shit, I bored them all to death. Am no longer cute and witty, but annoying.

Maybe its nerves. Or maybe I am really just THAT socially challenged. Damn you, never ending awkward phase!!!





Shift

25 07 2008

There’s been a shift. I can’t pinpoint if its a shift in the blogosphere, or just an overall shift in my life in general. I think it’s safe to say that its a fair mixture of both areas.

As far as the blogosphere is concerned, many are still riding the high of BlogHer. In the months leading up to BlogHer, I was really serious about going. Not so much for the conference, but to meet some amazing bloggers that I have been dying to meet. Turned out that the only way I was able to go, was on a stick. Thanks to Maria, I traveled around a little bit. If you happened to be there and saw a stick with this pic on it:
then you had the pleasure of meeting me. It was sooo nice to meet you too. As you might know, misery loves company and I didn’t mind going as much because a lot of my other friends couldn’t make it either. We would plurk, drink, and feel sorry for ourselves. There was even discussion with a friend about making a video based on the “we didn’t make it to BlogHer but we can still drink” concept. Until his wife gave him a free pass to San Francisco. (Which, BTW, is totally awesome. I wish I had a cool wife who let me do things like that, and a kick ass sis who would babysit for me too.)(I have neither.) So as Jim was getting ready to fly off into the sunset (literally), I made a few small requests that he bring back a little bit of BlogHer for me. I hear that he did do such a thing, but I haven’t seen what that is just yet. He also rang me up in the midst of a party and let me talk to some girls that I love so much. That conversaton was 99 parts awesome and 1 part sadness. But I knew BlogHer would be ending soon and all the kids would go back home and return to their normal lives. Oh how quickly I forget BlogHer fall out. The week leading up, everyone is talking about it. The weekend of, their blogs are quiet. The week after? It’s all about how much fun was had. I can easily say that I am DAMN sick of hearing about it. But that would make me a bitch. And a liar. Because I am enjoying the videos, the photos, and the stories. The hardest part of all of this? It’s that shift I am talking about.

I have made some pretty close friends these past few months, for which I am so grateful. There are people I trust and who I believe trust me and I love them and hope to have babies for all of them someday. But now that BlogHer is over?? This is going to come out nothing but selfish and I guess I’m ok with that. Being a non-BlogHer gal, I feel so out of the loop. This explosion of love and “new” friendships, and much more respect and adoration amongst those that attended is being crammed in my face. Twitter, blogs, plurk, all of it. I guess I just feel a little jaded that it takes a conference in a big city to make people feel close to one another. That now that they have met, they are so much closer to one another than they could ever be with me. I can understand that. Meeting someone and sharing an experience IS life changing. No doubt. But we blog our thoughts, our hardships, our good times, and bad. We forge friendships through social networking and we feel secure knowing that there are people out there who care about what happens to us. With this new influx of love and friendships coming from BlogHer, I cant help but feel that some of what we forge online is just a false sense of security, that because we never met, we can’t possibly be that close to one another. Oh well. It is what it is. For those who did attend BlogHer, I am happy for you and insanely jealous. But I’m already saving for next year. I wont be there for the networking, I’ll be there for the body shots and the opportunity to say hi and give you a big ole’ knock down hug when I see you.

Now changes IRL have been happening too. I don’t really want to write about it. Lets just say that a certain girl told a certain boy that she was not coming back to his house until he directly asked her to. She shared that she was tired of chasing him and that she was tired of not feeling wanted. She continued with her week and has since not called him or sent him any of her regular messages (unless it was returning a call or txt, I have manners people). She is willing to guess that he has slipped happily into a place where he is probably thrilled to not feel obligated to call. She and he both refuse to address the current situation at this time. Girl is slightly wondering if she should feel more upset by all of this, but is more focused on going out and getting something new to wear for drinks tonight. Call it avoidance if you must, girl just feels at this present time that she will NOT let this get to her.

Priorities, they are a changin’.

Girl would also like to mention that she has been feeling a little wanted this past week. And you know what? It’s kinda pretty nice. Or so she says…