An open letter to the bitch that almost ruined my Friday night

18 12 2007

Dear Bitchy McBitch Pants,

The next time you go to see a movie, a kids movie, on the night that it opens, please try and bring with you a little compassion. I know that it must be hard for you, being that you were dragging with you your two boys and that fat, prissy ass of yours, but come on. When you know the movie is sold out, and you see someone, say oh, ME for instance, standing in the stairway of the very FULL theater, looking for two seats together, be nice to me when I walk up and ask you if the seat next to you and the seat next to your son are taken. When you answer that they are not, you should then offer to scoot over in either direction. What you should not do is point out to me that the seat next to you has something “icky” on it, and that you don’t want to move.

Really? Icky? Ok… When I then explain to you that I am just trying to find seats so that my parents can sit together, do NOT look at me like I am speaking Japanese and explain again why you wont move into the “icky” seat, but will move in the other direction. This will then force me to become very crabby and ask you in a not so polite way that you must believe that the icky seat is good enough for one of my parents to sit in right?

When I proceed to leave the isle you are sitting in and start looking again for seats, what would prompt you to actually say to the theater employee that you DID offer to move for me, and that you don’t know what my problem is? Is it because you are a total bitch? Or maybe just a total idiot who really IS confused over why I am so upset. I’m gonna go with the total bitch theory.

See once you moved yourself and your kids over, I sat in the “icky” seat just to prove to you that you are a moron and that there was nothing wrong with the fucking seat to begin with. Then, when I saw both my parents coming into the theater with my son, I motioned to them to sit where I was. Did you notice that there were 5 of us going to the movie? And that because of people like you, who have this strange fucking phobia of sitting next to strangers, we could not sit together and enjoy Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks, the tickets of which we purchased 2 fucking hours before the movie??? You didn’t notice those things?

Maybe you were busy telling your brats to put their shoes on to slide over a seat. Where they then removed their shoes AGAIN. Shoes that I had to step over and was very tempted to kick across the theater while I walked past them. Not to mention the smell of your kids socks, socks which I am sure they were wearing all day in school and sweating in and hell knows what else. Good parenting. News flash: YOU ARE IN PUBLIC. You aren’t home. The theater is already crowded and stuffy, please spare the rest of us and tell your kids to put their f-ing shoes on.

I may or may not have mentioned to my dad to “accidentally” spill his soda on you. You are very lucky that he had no idea of our little show down just prior to him entering the theater because had he been there, he would have definitely told you to Go To Hell. It’s kinda his thing. You are also lucky that my mom had no idea about our little spat because when you proceeded to tell her that I was “very rude” and that you were “very unhappy” and she just looked at you like the nutcase you obviously are, she didn’t “accidentally” dump her popcorn over your head. Or wish you away. That’s kinda HER thing.

Be thankful Bitchy McBitchpants. Thankful of my boyfriend for not letting me claw your eyes out. Thankful of my mom for mentioning your little comment only after we had left the theater. And thankful for my son who I occasionally try to spare from mommy’s little “incidents”. Otherwise, I would not have just thought about covering you with soda and popcorn, I would have actually done it. Then I would have sat in the seats that you and your kids left open when you left.

Hoping I see you next time,

Call it an epiphany if you will

16 10 2007

My head and my heart have been a big jumbley mess for the past few days. I’ve been feeling so down and out and to be honest, I am really ashamed of myself. I have always prided myself on being up, on being cheery, even in the face of all the things that have gone wrong in my life. The reason for this is that I realized something a long time ago: Being happy is much better than being sad. And its up to ME to make myself happy. So I should just do that.

But at a time when I was at my lowest and really struggling with making myself happy, I met someone. (That’s him, up there, next to my name at the top) Someone who changed my life. He took that burden from my shoulders. He made me happy and I didn’t have to work so hard at it.

But that’s young love and infatuation. And you know what? It wears off. Shocking I know. I have not had to work so hard at being happy for almost two years. I’m not saying that Rura has dropped the ball in anyway. It’s just that people change. They grow. We have gotten to a place in our relationship where we are not as co-dependent on each other. At least, he isn’t.

And you know what? I don’t like it. I have been struggling with the thought that he just doesn’t need me as much as I think I need him. This has created so many feelings inside of me of being inadequate, of not being good enough, of not being exactly what he needs to make it through each day. And I myself have made him those things that I need to get through the day. I stare at my phone and will it to ring. It doesn’t. I struggle with picking it up to call him because lets face it – if he doesn’t need me enough to call me, why should I force him to talk to me when he really doesn’t want to? I turn thoughts over and over in my head thinking that I must be doing something wrong, or being a person I don’t want to be, enough so in fact that he doesn’t want me.

Then it hit me. Today, out of the blue. In the midst of all these crazy thoughts. On a day when I couldn’t make it an hour or so without allowing tears to slip down my cheeks.

None of that is true. He loves me. He wants to spend his life with me. But guess what? I am not his life. And that’s OK. I am a part of his life. I am part of the moments that he remembers and smiles about. The problem I have had the most is accepting that I am not his whole life. Because when we first met, I was. When we first started seeing each other, I was. Now, he has real responsibilities. A real job. A real career that he wants to pursue.  He’s made these choices for his life. And the reality is that he has discussed all these choices with me before pursuing them because it is OUR life together that these things will effect. He respects me that much. So its time I start respecting that too.

I haven’t been. Respecting him that is. He tries so hard to put up with me and he does a fabulous job. But why should he have to “put up” with anything I do? Why can’t I accept him for who he is and what he chooses to do? I’m selfish. But I want to change. I want to be better. I want to be the person that he cares for and doesn’t put up with.

This weekend he was out of town. He was doing what he had to do to get to his chosen career path. He wants to be in law enforcement. Preparing for that means weekends away competing in the Central Coast Law Enforcement Explorer Competition. It means being able to come home proud of your accomplishments. And accomplish he did. First place in the individual agility event. Beating out 55 or so other groups of people all competing for the same thing. He did that. He was #1. He helped put his post on the map. That is the second award he has received working with his post. And that makes me so fucking proud, I don’t even know what to say. That makes me so fucking ashamed for being angry that he didn’t call me ONE night that he was up there. Why? Because him and his post were patting themselves on the back for a job well done. They earned it. And I’m THAT girlfriend that freaks about a phone call.

It’s things like this that I have been doing lately that make me ashamed to be THAT kind of person. So I’m going to stop, put myself in check and support him. Which is exactly what I should have been doing without negativity. Without making him feel guilty.

So honey,
I’m sorry. For acting like an asshole. For not being what I should have been for a while now. You have to go on a ride along? Go. I’ll be here when you are done. I’ll see you when I can. I’ll love you when I don’t. I’ll love you until it’s all said and done. And even beyond that. You cant get rid of me that easily! I’m trying my hardest. And I’ll try even harder for you.
Your SC
P.S. Thank you for this and this. You have no idea how happy both those things makes me. You are the bestest.

Not feelin’ it

15 10 2007

I dont feel much like posting today.

The weekend SUCKED. Disneyland was fun. Except the part where I realized I was fat. That was not so fun. But we can talk about that later.

As for the whole “Rura’s out of town” fiasco, lets just say this: My boyfriend deserves a fucking gold medal for putting up with me.

I should either be committed or become an alcoholic. Then I can just blame myself on a disease, rather than the fact that I am an insecure asshole.

Dear Self,

Grow a freakin pair and suck it up already!!


I’ll post about Disneyland with some pretty pictures some time this week? Hang in there… I’ll be back to normal hopefully tomorrow.

An open letter to me

26 09 2007

Dear High School Freshman Me,

Guess what? Life as you know it is about to change. Every choice you make from here on out in 1996 will inevitably change the world as you know it today in 2007. Pretty crazy huh? I can say this because anything before high school will not impact your life today. So I hope you had fun doing insignificant things because this is the time that it gets ugly. Oh yea it does. You thought that fight with your best friend in 8th grade that lasted 3 months was bad? Pshhh that’s nothing compared to the next 10 years sister.

So guess what? You meet a guy. He’s not a nice guy. He makes jokes at other people’s expense and the sick thing is, that is what attracts you to him. His sense of humor. You just don’t realize what a bastard he is until much much later. In fact, you marry this asshole. But only because you let him knock you up, so that’s ok.

I should tell you now to get away from this guy. I should tell you now that as time goes on, he will slowly start testing your boundaries. He’ll pinch your legs under the table and squeeze your hands to get you to shut up. He’ll start asking for money even though he has a job. He’ll eventually start hitting you, but never hard enough to leave a bruise. He’ll master this subtle head shake when he wants you to speak for him in response to someone else. You’ll end up scared to death of him. You actually think death is a better option than him. But just wait it out. Make those same choices. Because guess what?

He will give you one thing. One thing that is the most important thing he has ever given you in your entire relationship. He’ll give you a beautiful son. And lord, is that child beautiful. You will cry just looking at him because he takes your breath away. Because you will choose to stay with him, you will meet some of your best friends. In fact, you’ll meet a lot of really cool people along the way. Because you choose to stay with him, it is then, at your lowest point, when you have become numb and shut yourself completely off, that you will meet the love of your life. This is where it gets better.

So you see, all the bullshit turns into something great. I promise. Right now, its great. 10 years from now? Well I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when we get to it.

A few things that I do want to tell you that will make you feel better now? Don’t let the asshole take you from your family. He’s selfish like that and you will hate yourself for it now. Oh and spend a LOT more time with your grandma before she passes. You WILL regret that lost time more than you know. In general, stay close to your family. You don’t understand how badly you will need them later. But lucky for you, they will always love you and are always there for you. Just don’t ignore them so you wont have to realize that now.

Other than that, keep doin what you’re doing. You have great hair throughout high school and your body is smokin. Show it off and don’t wait until your senior year to realize that. Once that baby comes, it will never be the same. One more thing! Do a better job moving out of your parents because you suck at it the first time and now I cant find anything important from that time in our life! Dumb ass. *muah!*

2007, in love, healthy, and happy You

Thank you Amy for this great challenge! You rock! You know I got some linky love so check out these other fine bloggers writing letters to their younger selves!

Tomorrow I am participating in this. PLEASE, if you only click on one link in this post, pick that one. Bloggers Against Abuse. The beauty and power of this is that you can choose to blog against any form of abuse. I’ll be blogging, will you?