20 07 2008

So I guess I fooled a couple people into believing I can write. Want proof?? VDog asked me to guest post for her! Here… go here and check out my post. I probably wont be able to keep fooling people after that. Too bad for Maria though, since I am posting at her blog tomorrow. The alcoholic haze of BlogHer had to have helped me.

Thank you to everyone who commented on that last post. I know it’s expected of me to be a downer but really, I posted that after making some quiet observations about my relationship. It is my opinion that most relationships walk this path. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s bad. You want bad? I’ve been in bad. This is close to perfection compared to that. But thank you. I love all of you and I owe you big sloppy kisses when I see you next.

One last thing… I finally started that photoblog. Just One Look. If you go there today, you will see a pic from BusyDad. I only have two contributers right now, but I want more. So if you are interested, please email me at justonelookphotos@hotmail.com. Oh and please add it to your readers. If you pimp it, I will be your bitch.

Everything changes… And friends become strangers

13 02 2008

Well it seems that, based on your comments from my last post, that you all feel that I should NOT leap regarding my ex friend.

I have to say that I agree. Somewhat. (Chill, let me explain. Sheesh.)

I know, without hesitation, that whatever type of friendship we had in the past, will never happen again. Ever. I will never trust her with any part of me, with any information about my life, with anything. I can’t. I will never go to any length to do the things I have done for her, to make the sacrifices I did. I will never lie for her or put myself in a position where I have to cover for her in any way.

What I can do is tolerate her. I can play nice. I can drink her beer. But I really doubt that I could ever call her a friend ever again.

 Friendship is funny. After high school, the whole concept of friendship changes. The people you thought were your friends let you down. The people that really ARE your friends, stay by you. Out of all the “friends” I had in high school, I still talk to about 3 of them. That is a shockingly low number to me. In the 7 (almost 8 ) years since graduation, I have 2 good friends that I know I can count on. I’ve made one really good friend here at work. The ultimate test to me, being a “grown up” is making friends out of co-workers and finding out if they were really your friend after you leave that job.

2 maybe 3 friends. Seems kinda low.

But wait. I’m forgetting about an untapped group of friends. Internet friends. Blogging buddies. There are so many people that I have gotten close to, thanks to the Internet. This would normally be the place where I would link drop like crazy. But I don’t think I have to. My friends know who they are.

In all honesty, anyone who commented on that last post and the FUCKED UP situation that I am faced with is now considered my friend. Seriously. That’s the beauty of the Internet. We write about the most off the wall shit and yet there is still someone out there who can relate. We can write about the most random stuff our kids, loved ones, and just people in general come up with, and we can find some humor, compassion, and love to pass on.

We are a lucky few.

Thank you for being there for me, without reservation.

Thank you for reading, without asking for anything in return. (except comments. GIVE ME COMMENTS you demand)(Ok ok you know I do!)

Most of all, thanks for relating, for being honest, and for being you.

(Everybody now – AWWWWWWWW)

Oh yea, and thanks for coming back.

Leap of Faith #1: Trust

8 02 2008

Leap of Faith 

Trust is a tricky thing. It is so hard to gain, so hard to give, but taken away so easily. I struggle so much with this that I am beginning to NOT trust the whole concept of trust.

Let me start making some sense.

Right now, I am faced with the opportunity to take a Leap of Faith. I just don’t know if I should.

Go read this:
When Trust Leaves You Hanging

I link to this post often so if you have read it, you will understand. If you haven’t take a minute and go for it. This post will make a lot more sense.

When I wrote that post, me and my “BFF” T, had just “broken up” (for lack of a better phrase). What I never added or wrote about was what happened AFTER all that. I did talk to Rura’s mom about the situation and she believed me. She knew that T was always up to no good and she did not trust her. Once all as said and done (or at least I thought) T continued to attempt to bring me down. She actually told my ex, who she HATED, everything about my and Rura’s relationship, everything I had ever told her in confidence. Can you imagine the can of worms that opened? Needless to say, I was very hurt over and over by her. It still bothers me. I don’t think about it everyday, but when it does cross my mind, I get angry about it.

Fast forward to the last 3 months. Rura and I have spoken to T’s husband a few times, here and there. Him on the phone, me through myspace. We both agreed that we missed hanging out with him, but could do without her. We talked about the trust issue, about how I felt betrayed and that he had felt the same. Then around New Years, his phone was off and he wasn’t answering our messages on myspace.

Fast Forward to last night. Rura gets a call on  his cell from a number he doesn’t know. He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t recognize the name or the voice but the caller says its important, he needs his help, and to please call back. Rura tries to call for about an hour but no one ever picks up. No voice mail either. He calls again this afternoon and it’s T’s husband, R. He called last night so that Rura could give me the phone, so that T could ask me a question. The question? She wanted to know the name of one of the mom’s on our son’s soccer team. From 2 years ago.

She wanted to ask me if I remembered someones name. (I’m thinking about it, and the circumstances that are prompting her to ask me, and things don’t add up. If that mom, who we can only remember as *insert kids name here*’s mom, is causing trouble with one of T’s cousins or something, then how did her name NOT come up when she was first brought up? Sounds like a made up story) Such a simple and ridiculous thing to make contact over.

Its been 9 months. This is why she calls? THIS is what she has no problem talking to me about??!

I don’t get it.

Rura told me that him and R talked about the possibility of me and T “reuniting”. He asked me what I thought about that, if I was able to handle the possibility of that situation.

I honestly don’t know.

I would feel like a fool if I just went back so easily. Especially without some kind of apology. I know in y heart that I will never, ever get one from her. She isn’t capable of that kind of thought process. I’m sure that she truly thinks I was wrong, that I’m the cause of the end of our friendship, and that she is doing ME a favor (again) by extending her hand.

Then again, she really hasn’t. This could all be some kind of game.

I want to feel comfortable enough to give friendship with her another try. But why should I? I don’t want to look like a fool and I certainly don’t want her to think that SHE was the one who did me a favor by being my friend again.

So to leap or not to leap?

That is the question.

Leap of Faith in 08′is the brainchild of some awesome bloggers: Chicken Fried Therapy, Busy Dad, and Piper of Bliss in Bloom. Click their names for their LoF posts!