An open letter to the bitch that almost ruined my Friday night

18 12 2007

Dear Bitchy McBitch Pants,

The next time you go to see a movie, a kids movie, on the night that it opens, please try and bring with you a little compassion. I know that it must be hard for you, being that you were dragging with you your two boys and that fat, prissy ass of yours, but come on. When you know the movie is sold out, and you see someone, say oh, ME for instance, standing in the stairway of the very FULL theater, looking for two seats together, be nice to me when I walk up and ask you if the seat next to you and the seat next to your son are taken. When you answer that they are not, you should then offer to scoot over in either direction. What you should not do is point out to me that the seat next to you has something “icky” on it, and that you don’t want to move.

Really? Icky? Ok… When I then explain to you that I am just trying to find seats so that my parents can sit together, do NOT look at me like I am speaking Japanese and explain again why you wont move into the “icky” seat, but will move in the other direction. This will then force me to become very crabby and ask you in a not so polite way that you must believe that the icky seat is good enough for one of my parents to sit in right?

When I proceed to leave the isle you are sitting in and start looking again for seats, what would prompt you to actually say to the theater employee that you DID offer to move for me, and that you don’t know what my problem is? Is it because you are a total bitch? Or maybe just a total idiot who really IS confused over why I am so upset. I’m gonna go with the total bitch theory.

See once you moved yourself and your kids over, I sat in the “icky” seat just to prove to you that you are a moron and that there was nothing wrong with the fucking seat to begin with. Then, when I saw both my parents coming into the theater with my son, I motioned to them to sit where I was. Did you notice that there were 5 of us going to the movie? And that because of people like you, who have this strange fucking phobia of sitting next to strangers, we could not sit together and enjoy Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks, the tickets of which we purchased 2 fucking hours before the movie??? You didn’t notice those things?

Maybe you were busy telling your brats to put their shoes on to slide over a seat. Where they then removed their shoes AGAIN. Shoes that I had to step over and was very tempted to kick across the theater while I walked past them. Not to mention the smell of your kids socks, socks which I am sure they were wearing all day in school and sweating in and hell knows what else. Good parenting. News flash: YOU ARE IN PUBLIC. You aren’t home. The theater is already crowded and stuffy, please spare the rest of us and tell your kids to put their f-ing shoes on.

I may or may not have mentioned to my dad to “accidentally” spill his soda on you. You are very lucky that he had no idea of our little show down just prior to him entering the theater because had he been there, he would have definitely told you to Go To Hell. It’s kinda his thing. You are also lucky that my mom had no idea about our little spat because when you proceeded to tell her that I was “very rude” and that you were “very unhappy” and she just looked at you like the nutcase you obviously are, she didn’t “accidentally” dump her popcorn over your head. Or wish you away. That’s kinda HER thing.

Be thankful Bitchy McBitchpants. Thankful of my boyfriend for not letting me claw your eyes out. Thankful of my mom for mentioning your little comment only after we had left the theater. And thankful for my son who I occasionally try to spare from mommy’s little “incidents”. Otherwise, I would not have just thought about covering you with soda and popcorn, I would have actually done it. Then I would have sat in the seats that you and your kids left open when you left.

Hoping I see you next time,