It’s What We Deserve…

3 08 2008

We deserve…

- to be loved.

- to feel beautiful. And sexy. And not in a position to have to beg and plead for either of these things.

- to be comfortable in our own skin. In our own home.

- to be heard. To be listened to and appreciated for our words, our wisdom, and our souls.

- to know that we are in a relationship where the feelings for each other are reciprocated and not just given out of obligation.

- happiness.

- to be able to provide a loving home for our kids, without angry words.

- to not have to tread lightly on rough waters. Why are we settling for “decent enough” and not “fucking fantastic”?

- to laugh with each other every single day and know that we are sleeping beside someone who wants to laugh with us (and not necessarily at us).

- to feel wanted. In fact, to feel needed.

- the idea that just saying hello, how are you, hope you are smiling, is good enough to put a smile on our faces. (and it is. It so is.)

- our freedom. Without thinking that the person we are with doesn’t believe in the same.

- to be ourselves. Without feeling like who we ARE, who we want to be, who we CAN be is just not enough to make this relationship work. I am good enough. I shouldn’t have to go above and beyond JUST so you can see that.

- the ability to find all of this in ourselves, in our relationship, in each other.

- not to settle. Because when you settle, and admit defeat, you aren’t just cheating yourself, you are cheating all the people that you love, and the people that love you.

- the ability to say, “I’m in love”, not just “I love”.

- soft laughter, sweet touches, and soft kisses.

- not to say “goodbye” every day, but “goodnight, I cant wait to wake up next to you”.

- each other.

This blog has taken a turn. I recognize that. I went back and read some of your comments about the love that I have with him. How so many of you thought it was so beautiful. And it was. It really, really was. And now its just all twisted. I’ve contemplated moving my blog away from “ruraandmiss” because I just don’t feel like I am a part of that team anymore. These last few weeks, I have seriously thought about ending this relationship. But I want it. I want this life to work. I just never, ever imagined that it would become so much work. And please spare me your thoughts on how a relationship IS work. I know that. I fucking LIVED that. And even if I failed at it in the past, I have come to learn that a good relationship doesn’t NEED that type of back breaking, HEART breaking work. Especially when you are the only one doing anything to salvage it.

I can sit here and list all the ways I have tried to save us. This post would get much, much longer if I did. It’s just that after days like today, when I can SEE him trying, I just cant say that I am quite ready to throw in the towel. It’s just those things, those signs that pop up. Even now, right this minute, I know that everything isn’t ok. And it’s just the lack of a simple phone call to say goodnight, that is enough to make me see that. And the thing is, I’m not overly emotional about it. I’ve done that. I still cry. I cried twice over him today and it makes me feel weak. But I will NOT live my life like that. I DON’T DESERVE THAT.

The thing is, and it really boils down to this, I know I’m not alone. This has been proven to me in the last two weeks. If I had to go through all of this alone, I don’t think I would make it through, at least not in the state I am in right now. I would be a shell, going through the motions. I’m being held up, in the slightest ways possible, and it’s helping me get through these days, these never ending days where loneliness edges at my heart. And I can only give my thanks for that. My deepest and utter gratitude. You will never, ever know what your lovely words give to me each day. They will be as meaningful to me in 50 years as they are to me today, at this moment.


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21 responses

3 08 2008
Zoeyjane

Oh, I love ya, dollface.

4 08 2008
Maggie's Mind

Whatever you need to do or not do or consider doing, I just wish the best for you and for you to have all those things you deserve.

4 08 2008
melissa

you have to do what’s right for you. yeah, relationships are work. but…when it becomes stressful, all encompassing work…that isn’t necessarily worth it!
i wish you the best. because…yeah, you deserve it!!

4 08 2008
Hockeyman

After a post like this with words more powerful than you can possibly imagine, if you ever move your URL, I will always follow. You also love going to baseball games….what’s not to love about that? :)

4 08 2008
Karen MEG (Pomtini)

And it’s what you deserve. Only the best. You’ve said it so beautifully yourself; you know it.
No advice from me; just know that I’ve been at similar crossroads in a couple of relationships. Some are worth going the distance; others aren’t.
If you leave this space, you know that I will follow.
Hugs, Miss.

4 08 2008
Honeybell

If only I had the words to make it perfect for you. Hugs.

4 08 2008
Amy

You do deserve all that. And so, so much more.

I know how you feel about being the only one trying. I have so been there. And it totally and completely sucks. But darlin’… you are worth fighting for. Someday, someone is going to figure that out.

4 08 2008
Red Lotus Mama

*HUG* You need to do what is good for your happiness and your son’s. I know how much you are trying to make this relationship work. I know you have been through the ringer and back. I know what you are worth. I know you can stand strong alone, but we all stand a little bit stronger with someone by our side. If in the end it is not Rura by your side know that you got some loving friends, family and readers (of course) me who will be there to hold you up through the heartbreaking moments. *HUG*

4 08 2008
Maria

:(

4 08 2008
ohmommy

Of course you deserve that and more.

I told you…. I was confused. I am stupid most of the time, but really I only hear your voice on the blog. (Insert plurk emotion smacking forehead)

4 08 2008
LaskiGal

Wow. You so totally get it. You aren’t alone out here . . . let’s hope you aren’t alone . . . at all.

5 08 2008
rimarama

A hug and what everyone else, said. You are smart, dazzling, beautiful. You deserve more.

5 08 2008
jessie

I hope you take this in the way that it’s meant: Do what you need to do.

Simple as that.

5 08 2008
BusyDad

I’m glad I can at least make you laugh from time to time :)

5 08 2008
skiplovey

Big big hugs. That’s all. And maybe a smooch too.

5 08 2008
zdoodlebub

You deserve to have everything you want. Relationships are enough work without feeling like you are right now. Before marriage, before living together…you know, you’ve been there.

Ditto to the commenter who said they’d follow you, if you changed your site. Just show me the way home, honey.

5 08 2008
Jamie

“This, too, shall pass.”

The best and truest words of wisdom I’ve ever gotten.

6 08 2008
A Whole Lot of Hooch

I feel ya.

Can I feel ya?
(Bad timing?)

6 08 2008
Miss (too)

My name is Miss too (Melissa, Missie, Missy, Miss) and for a moment, I thought I’d stumbled upon my very own blog, written by me, just not me, but me, in another place. I get you girl. I feel as though I’m living this post with you. And now I’m coming across somewhat stalker-ish, I suppose. :)

If you lived in my area, I’d demand we meet and sit down with a big ass bottle of wine and catch up with what my ‘twin’ as been doing all my life.

8 08 2008
Judith Shakespeare

Knowing absolutely none of the backstory or the players, all I can say is this: Love is supposed to make you miserable sometimes… It’s not supposed to make you miserable ALL of the time. If you find that the good outweighs the bad, perhaps a new plan really is in order. Good luck, honey!

9 08 2008
magneto bold too

Sometimes we just need to write before we can move from the crossroads. You are at that crossroad. You are strong enough to follow through which ever way you decide to turn.

Good luck babe. Hard decisions either way.

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