It’s What We Deserve…

3 08 2008

We deserve…

– to be loved.

– to feel beautiful. And sexy. And not in a position to have to beg and plead for either of these things.

– to be comfortable in our own skin. In our own home.

– to be heard. To be listened to and appreciated for our words, our wisdom, and our souls.

– to know that we are in a relationship where the feelings for each other are reciprocated and not just given out of obligation.

– happiness.

– to be able to provide a loving home for our kids, without angry words.

– to not have to tread lightly on rough waters. Why are we settling for “decent enough” and not “fucking fantastic”?

– to laugh with each other every single day and know that we are sleeping beside someone who wants to laugh with us (and not necessarily at us).

– to feel wanted. In fact, to feel needed.

– the idea that just saying hello, how are you, hope you are smiling, is good enough to put a smile on our faces. (and it is. It so is.)

– our freedom. Without thinking that the person we are with doesn’t believe in the same.

– to be ourselves. Without feeling like who we ARE, who we want to be, who we CAN be is just not enough to make this relationship work. I am good enough. I shouldn’t have to go above and beyond JUST so you can see that.

– the ability to find all of this in ourselves, in our relationship, in each other.

– not to settle. Because when you settle, and admit defeat, you aren’t just cheating yourself, you are cheating all the people that you love, and the people that love you.

– the ability to say, “I’m in love”, not just “I love”.

– soft laughter, sweet touches, and soft kisses.

– not to say “goodbye” every day, but “goodnight, I cant wait to wake up next to you”.

– each other.

This blog has taken a turn. I recognize that. I went back and read some of your comments about the love that I have with him. How so many of you thought it was so beautiful. And it was. It really, really was. And now its just all twisted. I’ve contemplated moving my blog away from “ruraandmiss” because I just don’t feel like I am a part of that team anymore. These last few weeks, I have seriously thought about ending this relationship. But I want it. I want this life to work. I just never, ever imagined that it would become so much work. And please spare me your thoughts on how a relationship IS work. I know that. I fucking LIVED that. And even if I failed at it in the past, I have come to learn that a good relationship doesn’t NEED that type of back breaking, HEART breaking work. Especially when you are the only one doing anything to salvage it.

I can sit here and list all the ways I have tried to save us. This post would get much, much longer if I did. It’s just that after days like today, when I can SEE him trying, I just cant say that I am quite ready to throw in the towel. It’s just those things, those signs that pop up. Even now, right this minute, I know that everything isn’t ok. And it’s just the lack of a simple phone call to say goodnight, that is enough to make me see that. And the thing is, I’m not overly emotional about it. I’ve done that. I still cry. I cried twice over him today and it makes me feel weak. But I will NOT live my life like that. I DON’T DESERVE THAT.

The thing is, and it really boils down to this, I know I’m not alone. This has been proven to me in the last two weeks. If I had to go through all of this alone, I don’t think I would make it through, at least not in the state I am in right now. I would be a shell, going through the motions. I’m being held up, in the slightest ways possible, and it’s helping me get through these days, these never ending days where loneliness edges at my heart. And I can only give my thanks for that. My deepest and utter gratitude. You will never, ever know what your lovely words give to me each day. They will be as meaningful to me in 50 years as they are to me today, at this moment.

Almost 3 years later…

28 05 2008

…And there is still a lot we have to learn about each other.

Me: Are you sure you don’t want to go see Indiana Jones?
Him: Hell no. I hate Ford.
Me: Whatever! How can you hate Harrison? Sheesh.


Him: 90210 is coming back. Your favorite show!
Me: Hell no. Not for me. You’re thinking of T.


And? I have about 20 bobby pins holding my hair up today. Normal people would just use a hair tie.


Please ignore my huge finger. And my strangely wide nose. But do adore my bangs.

Don’t know what you’re expecting of me

15 05 2008

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control…

Control is the root of all things evil.

I think because my life felt so much out of my own control for a long time, I have held on very tightly in this relationship. I try so hard to keep it all together. I hate to feel like something isn’t right and I become afraid of losing the things that I work so hard to keep together.

When I talked to Rura on Tuesday, he really did not want to talk about anything. This of course goes against everything that I do. I need to talk it out, make it better. Tuesday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I was constantly in tears over simple things and I was just wallowing in my self pity. I told him how I felt. The phone was a lost cause because we did not communicate at all when we were on it. So I emailed him. (Very 2008 huh?) And the email worked. My words got through. Of course I can type out my heart in a minute, but when it comes to verbal expression? The gift is lost on me.

For the first time that day, I took a breath without a pain in my chest after he texted me and said that we could do this. We could do it together. He just wants some room to breathe himself. I get that.

We are good. When we are together, we are great. When we are apart, it’s much harder for both of us to be good at this. I’m not saying that we have to be with each other 24/7. We’ve had this discussion. What I’m saying is that we both have to try much, much harder when we are apart. Him to be more patient with me. Me to be less demanding of him.

Something that I have been realizing is something that I don’t like about myself very much. I was in a controlling relationship. I hated it. But lately I have recognized myself mimicking the tricks that my ex used to manipulate me. Sometimes it’s to get a reaction. Sometimes it’s just to be nasty. I don’t like this. Rura doesn’t deserve this. I find myself doing it before I even realize that I am doing it. Most of the time, I realize what I did once it’s done. And I feel so guilty. This is an abusers mentality, that I regret my actions and won’t repeat them. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know if I need to go and talk to someone about it, or to just really concentrate on what I am saying before it actually leaves my mouth. (Obviously, that’s not my strong point anyways.)(Holy shit, does that make me horrible? Ughhhh)

In reality, I am the one that causes the problems in our relationship. I am the one that has the most to work on. I know that. Rura has been so patient and so real with me and sometimes I take his honesty as confrontation and it makes the situation worse.

I don’t know how many chances he has given me but I want this one to be the last time that he has to.

*Thank you. All of you who commented or emailed me, I appreciate all your kind words, your hugs, and your offerings of support. You gals are the kind of gals I want to get drunk and do inappropriate things to.

Is this the 1950’s? Heh, I wish.

3 04 2008

I have to brag here for a minute. I am so proud of Rura. Not only for being dead sexy, but for figuring out his dream, and actually doing something about it. Not many people can honestly say that they have done that. I know that I can’t. Shit, I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t even know if I want to be anything.

Ugh, that is depressing.

Anyways, as much shit as I give him for missing Dodger games and other half important things, I do admire his dedication to the police force he is involved in. He is active and on ride along’s at least once a week and he dedicates a lot of time to it. Without pay. He can do that NOW, but it wont last for long. He does work a regular job too and he has to deal with my crazy on a daily basis. Once he completes his training and gets hired to a force, I know he is going to make an excellent cop. And he is going to love what he is doing with his life.

Now me? I dont mind my job. It pays my bills and doesn’t get under my skin on a daily basis. (There is always an exceptionand you will not BELIEVE what that crazy bitch is up to now.) But…. but…. I just don’t think that this is what I am supposed to do with my life.

Truth be told, I hate working. I am the most awesome housewife and SAHM mom ever. Even better than you. I’m sorry but it has to be said. Someone should pay me just to stay home and have babies and take care of them. Which is what I want to do once Rura is making enough money.

Hahahaha Wait. I live in California. Economy? Crap. Housing Market? Crap. All of it is crap. Which just kills my lifelong dream of not working. Which makes me sad.

Is it so horrible that I don’t want to be a bread winner? That I would prefer being a housewife? Barefoot and pregnant? I just don’t know.

But I do know that I rock at getting uniforms to the dry-cleaners and getting them picked up on time. I can cook when given a kitchen and I do laundry like its nobodies business. Hell, I’ll even scrub a toilet or two. Overall, this just determines that the above is true, I should SO not be in the workforce. All my talents are going to waste.

I really don’t care if this post sets the women’s movement back 50 years. Seriously. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.

Your Assvice Needed

16 01 2008

I have a slight “situation” on my hands. So why not turn to the internet for advice?

 This week, I have been making plans to go visit my best buddy S and her man and all her kiddos. Gotta renew my Auntie status, you know? That was the last time I saw her two oldest and the last time I saw her and the new baby was the day after she was born, which had to have been about 2 and a half months. With the holidays and all, we have both just been too busy.

This weekend is her oldest daughter’s 7th birthday.* They are celebrating by going to Chuck E.’s and I told S that we would all be able to come out for the weekend. They live a good 45 minutes to an hour away. When I go out there, I go out there intending to spend the night. Gives me and S time to catch up, the kids time to play, and the guys time to talk about inappropriate sexual positions. Good times had by all. This is my time with S to act like women, not just mommies. Yes we ARE being mommies because we all know the guys are pretty much zoned out, but we can still just hang out and enjoy the company of humans that we do not work with and whose butts we don’t have to wipe. Get me?

So everything was FINE. I switched around schedules with the ex so that I knew I would have SBJ ALL weekend, instead of having to go visit them without him or leave early to take him back to his dad’s. It was all working out. Working out too well obviously.

Rura’s cousin is turning 30. They are having a party at his house. On Saturday night.

Do you recognize my “situation” yet? Let me elaborate.

I am going to visit S and the kids. I am leaving Saturday morning and coming home Sunday afternoon. I was planning on the three of us going. S is expecting the 3 of us. But I know that Rura wants to go to the party. Why would he NOT want to go? I found out about the party last night. I told him about the party AFTER I told him about the weekend plans. I also told him that it is his choice what he wants to do, but that I already had my plans set and that I did not want to change them.

Why not? Ok. I’m sorry. It would be easy for us to go out Saturday morning and come back in time for the party. Of COURSE it would be. But do you know how often I do that? I am constantly cutting short activities I enjoy doing, so that we can do something else. The last time we were visiting S right after the baby was born, we only stayed for like 2 hours because Rura wanted to go home when he actually just wanted to go to a party. That I couldn’t go to. Which would normally be ok, it just upset me that I had to cut my visit with S short. Which is exactly what would be happening this weekend if I compromised with him.

I don’t want to put him in this situation. I don’t want him to have to choose. I just explained to him that we were just at his cousin’s for New Years (which BTW, we went to AFTER we got an invite to a party that S’s in-laws were having, but that’s not really significant is it?) and have hung out and partied with them a few times SINCE the last time I got to see S and the kids. So to me, seeing my best friend and the closest kids I have to a nephew and 2 nieces, is much more important to me. He understands that. But I know he doesn’t want to choose.

He chooses me, he lets down his family. He chooses them, he lets me down.

I would call that a situation.

My problem is, I love him. I don’t want to tell him to choose me. This type of thing has always been on ongoing “thing” in our relationship. I feel like this is a test for both of us. I’m very much afraid of who’s going to fail it. I’m scared its going to be me.

I appreciate every moment we spend together. We have been inseparable the last few months and its been great. I would really love for him to go with me this weekend. But I have to understand if he feels he can’t go. It’s just hard.

So help. Any advise, anything you might have to offer, let me hear it.

*Her oldest and SBJ are two months apart. We were pregnant together. OMG. I’m going to be the mother of a 7 year old.

Looks like we made it

27 12 2007

Christmas is over? I can come out of hiding now? FINALLY!

It wasn’t that bad people. I can’t complain. No wait, that’s a lie. I can complain about the IDIOT I married deciding on Christmas Eve to live up to his title of being a complete asshole. So much more than usual too! He decides he wants to take SBJ that night, instead of the next morning. Fucking tard. Instead of “putting my foot down” and telling him no, I agreed, therefore completely bypassing what I’m sure would have been a very dramatic standoff of sorts, possibly including local law enforcement which is just not cool. So when I had to take my grandma home, I also sent SBJ off with his dad. I hated doing it because I wanted to do the whole “Santa came” thing which we had to fake on Christmas Eve. Eh, C’est la vie. He still loved the bike that Santa brought him and the Spy Gear that Rura and I got for him. Amazingly, he got no clothes. Well I bought him some PJ pants but I didn’t wrap them, I just showed them to him. Then again, he does have 4 presents to open from my aunts and one of my aunts is famous for giving out clothes. So I’m not holding my breath.

This Christmas was interesting though. Here’s why (with more bullets) wee!

  • My aunt who is visiting her daughter in Iowa busted the back of her head open and needed 5 staples in her head. She did not want to go to the hospital because she did not want her head shaved. She went and did not end up getting shaved. Just stapled.
  • My grandma did not want to come over for Christmas. The only part of my mom’s family in California for the holiday, and she wanted to stay home. Not on my watch G-ma! I went and picked her up and took her home.
  • My dad’s family breakfast was awesome. One of his brother’s wives went bat shit crazy on the family and accused all of us of hating her daughter. Good times! She was pissed no one complimented my cousin for loosing 50 pounds. Hello, are you just joining our family? We don’t compliment each other. We exploit each others weaknesses with glee and then we all laugh about it. I mean just this year I was asked if my house was my car and if I was going to prison. Good times had by all.
  • Rura fucking scored in the presents department. It took my family almost 5 years to even acknowledge that my ex was alive, and that was after I popped out his kid. This was Rura’s second Christmas spent with my family. Perfect example: My parents got my ex a t-shirt for Christmas. One of those $10 ones from Target with some dumb phrase on it. It wasn’t even a funny one. That was on the last Christmas we spent with my family. Rura got a portable speaker type gadget for his Ipod, a soccer shirt, AND a $25 gift card for Jamba Juice. Facker. He made out. All that brown nosing paid off for sure.
  • Between me and him, we have $75 worth of Jamba Juice.
  • Worst part of Christmas? We did NOT watch Christmas Vacation. WTF I ask you? We watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind INSTEAD. Cool in the 70’s? Hell yea. 2007? Um no, not so much, no. That whole movie is an anti-climatic rip off.

So there you have it. I got some pretty nice clothes and a PJ set, some gift cards, lotion from B&B Works, and my two bestest presents?? A hand me down Dooney and Burke purse from my aunt that I have been drooling over since I first saw it like 3 years ago at her house. Its white with navy blue lettering and tan handles and accents… drool, drool, all day. When she brought it in the house before she left my aunts, she said “remember this?” and I started jumping up and down. None of my cousin’s got it. Hello, boys are stupid remember? The decided that the D & B on the purse must stand for Damn Bitch, or more favorable, Dumb Bitch. Yea, no. Stoopid boys.

Favorite gift? More than my purse? That will MATCH my purse? My daddy promised me a Dodger Jacket, from the stadium, first game we go to next year. Well a jacket or a jersey. *insert happy frickin dance here* Do you know how badly I have been wanting a real Dodgers jacket? I will die and go to heaven the day I get that jacket. I ask to be buried in it. *cough*

Hope everyone else out there had a Merry Christmas.

Oh did you see my new header?? Purdiful isn’t it??! Courtesy of the gorgeous, but M.I.A. Dawn. Dawn, come back to the blogosphere!!!!!! I miss you!!

Oh thanks goodness!

30 11 2007

NaBlowMe is OVER in 1 hour!!! Seriously, this month was hard. Participating in NaBloPoMo totally goes against my nature to be lazy, but I tried it, and I succeeded. I have surprised even myself. Was a month enough practice to get me to continue blogging every day? Probably not. Everyone seems a bit burned out and I dont blame them. I am really going to try and keep posting daily but when I really dont feel like it, I like that I dont have to. And thats what I learned during NaBloPoMo. The end.

Got my new TV today. With it, I got a DVD player, a VCR, a bunch of DVD’s, dumpster porn, a Sylvia Brown book to read, and another book that I will be reviewing later. I have to put it down to finish this because its distracting me. Oh and I got cookies. Sugar cookies with cinnamon on them. I’m eating them for dinner. I also got a new best buddy. He has bright red hair and rose colored cheeks. He’s pretty awesome.

Where the hell did I get all these things? Why from Jessie’s house of course. Hi! *waves* Thanks for the cookies, the blog talk, and for not bonking me on the head and taking advantage of me.

In other news, it rained all day today. I pretty much followed it out to Jessie’s after work and her rain came with thunder and lightning as I was leaving. I enjoy the rain but driving in it makes me tired.

Rura is going to a bachelor party tomorrow. For a cop. I don’t think I’m worried. Until tomorrow.

Oh and? I dont want to jinx anything by saying this but Rura and I have been blow out free for going on 2 months! You have no idea how happy it makes me to be able to say that. I hate our big fights.

Gah! I am so tired. My damn dumb ass alarm didn’t go off this morning and I woke up 20 minutes AFTER I should have already left for work. But I do get to sleep in tomorrow before I go and pick up SBJ from his dads.

Good night and Good bye NaBloPoMo!